- episodes

鹊桥仙

2012-01-29T15:48:00.002+08:00

纤云弄巧飞星传恨

银汉迢迢暗渡

金风玉露一相逢

便胜却

人间无数

柔情似水佳期如梦

忍顾鹊桥归路

两情若是长久时

又岂在朝朝暮暮

温柔的声音

2011-11-26T02:59:00.005+08:00

I should really stop falling in love with people's voices.

Perhaps it's because of the fact that I play music, or maybe it's just because I'm particularly sensitive to sound, but I find myself falling in love with voices more than I fall in love with people. I'm not referring to powerful, high-ranging vocals by singers out there whom everyone would agree to have awesome voices; more like random songs I come by from unknown people who do not possess distinct powerful vocals, but have the ability to touch me with the rawness of their voices. It only takes an expression of a particular word, executed with one's particular tone, to take my heart away. In fact I secretly hope that my future guy is one that'll captivate me with his voice before anything else :) (not muscles hehehe)

好温柔，好温柔的一副声音

2011-11-18T01:51:00.003+08:00

I wish I was abit more productive, but somehow I'm enjoying my zen mode now. I won't go into a rehash on how hectic and stressful this semester had been, because I think it's unhealthy to keep locating yourself back in a mode you hate.

So, I'm gonna look forward, and try to imagine what my next semester would be like :)

It will ideally be a four day week, where I will get to go for guzheng lessons on my free day, and get to spend more time at home. It will also be a semester with an evenly spread out workload over the weeks, so I don't face the problem of having to stay up late multiple nights in a week. That also means that I will get to have better health, due to less stress and anxiety.

I'll get to visit ahma's house more often, and this is especially important to me now that I am leaving for China for a year after semester 2. I'll take more time to build and maintain relationships, and spend more time discovering and appreciating life.

I'll take a day out each week to stroll down the walkways of my estates alone, exploring where my feet take me to.

I'll sit down, breathe, and empty my mind.

Sem 2, I'm waiting for you.

2011-10-08T21:49:00.002+08:00

Record of the day: took a grand total of 3 afternoon naps while slogging through my biod paper. While it isn't the most appealing subject to me, it really isn't that bad. It's not a lack of interest that's making this painful, but it's a lack of direction.

I need some spurts of creative juices and a stroke of ingenuity badly now. Ideas, you have to flow - now! I have to get this done by 1am, and then have a good rested weekend after that. It's been a couple of weeks since I had some life. I'm terribly sorry to my close friends for the constant lack of time to meet up. I haven't even been going for pranic healing or guzheng lessons this semester. Goodness, I have to strike a better deal with time, and hopefully I can gain this balance back by next semester before I leave for China!

Jiayou me with my assignment. Go go go, feizai.

2011-06-02T23:36:00.002+08:00

The past few weeks whizzed by pretty unproductively. (Maybe except the GE week!) But as I have always said, I indulge in such unproductive days. I get to wake up at embarrassingly late times, aka sleeping for 12 hours or more per day, spend a day reading a book, online shopping, meddling with the piano and the guzheng - not having to check the clock to keep up with every passing second.

I don't think I ever thought of myself as a K-drama fan. The only ones I watched were the ones screened on Channel U in the early days of the K-drama wave, and subsequently, Goong & BOF only. Fast-forward - and it's 10 years since the wave hit SG! That's 10 years since I watched my first Korean drama - 秋天的童话！I was a P4 kid then, watching snippets of the show with my parents on Thursday nights. Thanks to a TS sale, we bought 2 K-drama DVDs home to indulge in for this June holiday! My mum, sis and I have developed a habit of chasing a drama together during school holidays :) & I think it's a great way for family bonding haha :) So anyway, yes we watched 'My Princess' and just when I thought I wasn't muscles-obsessed anymore.... I declare myself a Song Seung Heon fan, or should it be 'fan of Song Seung Heon's muscles'?? And so, crazy me went down to TS again, and got another 2 DVDs on sale - both starring my number 1 idol now hehe. And then I decided to rewatch 秋天的童话 again this afternoon, and ended up crying my lungs out. I honestly have no recollections of the first few episodes I watched today! Probably didn't watch the front parts 10 years back.

The past few weeks have testified that my hobby can now be 'searching-for-tragic -films/dramas-to-watch-to-cry-my-heart-out'. :) It feels cathartic! What I love about it is that I can immerse myself in that sea of emotions, yet escape from that lingering pain in reality.

凌晨4点有感而发

2011-04-28T03:20:00.005+08:00

我知道我也才20岁不到，但认识我的朋友都应该会明白‘娘’这外号不是白给的。当我上中学时，已经开始向往我以后的家庭生活。我甚至好几次做梦到我结婚了，在婚礼上幸福的样子，只可惜我并不记得新郎长得什么样！也做梦到自己有个很美满的家庭，在家里和年幼可爱的孩子享受天伦之乐。做这些梦时，我大概也才17岁不到。

也因为从小就为我的未来设定了这一种向往，我近来开始害怕，害怕这一天可能不会到来。很多人常说 “人海茫茫里总会遇到适合的人”。但爱一个人很容易，要两人彼此相爱靠的是缘分，时机。要两个相爱的人能成为彼此的终生伴侣更不是理所当然的事。要终生伴侣能够彼此扶持，能够在踏入婚姻10，20，30年后对彼此仍持着最初的热情，最可贵，但也来的不易。这是我理想化的追求，憧憬。

可是近来，我开始意识到，世界存在着太多太多的阴差阳错，太多的遗憾。况且，白马王子不一定是理想丈夫，理想爸爸。这才让我第一次感到自己的理想好像显得有点遥不可及。没错，世间上的确存在着如此完美的故事，可要在我身上发生那么一段难能可贵的故事可是另外一回事了。别担心，我不是对未来失去了希望，而是开始意识到这理想并非是个理所当然，对自己的期望作一些调整。

执政党候选人沈颖就这么说道：“白马王子可遇而不可求，他可能一辈子也不会出现，何必白等。如果一方面要有自己的家庭和小孩，另一方面又要期待白马王子的出现，如果白马王子不出现，我的人生目标岂不是要泡汤了吗？人生目标不能泡汤，所以（对）白马王子（的期望）要调整一下。” 我想，是这几句话提醒了我。自己父母的例子也似乎证明了这一点。父母很坦白地告诉我他们并不是彼此的白马王子或公主。就因两人合得来，觉得彼此是能组织家庭的伴侣，所以便顺其自然地结婚了。没有我梦幻中轰轰烈烈，刻骨铭心的爱情。也常听他们说，是感情多于爱情。

但我还是抱着那小小的期望。我可能也会是那完美情节的主角。但，我也必须明确一点 - 我可能一辈子都遇不到我的白马王子。

要在对的时机，遇到对的人，靠的就是‘缘分’这两个字吧。

2011-04-21T16:30:00.003+08:00

Revising for Chi biz has been quite a pain. I guess the only part which I enjoyed throughout the module was the writing of the heritage paper.

Revising for film mod has been exciting. I have taken a particular interest in 'Farewell, My Concubine'. Anyone who hasn't watched it pleaseeeee do so. The film really speaks to someone like me with an inexplicable emotional connection to modern chinese history. Even without the history bit I think one would be equally mesmerized by the acting of Leslie Cheung as well as the directorial skills. I started researching for online journal articles regarding the film and I ended up gasping in amazement whenever I came across something insightful.

Way too much a difference from Monday and Tuesday when I was drowned in my boring chi biz notes. I really have no interest in learning about networks and trade routes :( And by the way, it's a HISTORY module. I cannot imagine what would have happened to me if I majored in business or any major that I didn't have the passion for, given that the element of history in this chi biz module was already not sufficient to make the subject matter interesting enough for me.

2011-04-19T00:48:00.003+08:00

'Interestingly, the reason why they are so willing to sell their souls for an overseas education is because to them, studying at NUS equals FAILURE. Somehow, Singaporeans have become more interested in impressing others than in being authentic and doing what one loves.'

'Do not continue to propagate this mindset that you need to get a scholarship to get into the elite circle in order to succeed in life.'

For at least a year in JC, thanks to the active promotion of govt scholarships by the school, clinching a govt scholarship was perhaps the default choice. I am still amazed by how I could be effectively conditioned to have my choices dictated by the 'default' then. Thankfully for my wake-up call, or I'd probably be selling my soul away.

I think others might say we should never settle for anything lesser, hence the question why settle for NUS when you could enjoy an education from a prestigious overseas university? I think my decision-making process was simple. Prestige just didn't happen to be factored into my calculations. I was only concerned about whether I would be true to myself if I were to take up a scholarship from a board which I wasn't 100% ready to serve for. Granted, one might argue that the overseas experience makes up for the bond one has to serve. It just happens that it's not a trade-off that makes sense to my philosophy.

2011-03-17T23:45:00.002+08:00

Recently i read somewhere that its not something you can be proud of if somebody describes you as 'nice'; meaning that if 'nice' is the first description that is most befitting of you, then there's something very depressing about that fact, because that probably means that you lack a distinctive quality and persona, and 'nice' is probably the most general word out there that acts as a euphemism for this lack of personality.

But I don't understand why 'nice' should be comprehended that way. Imo I feel that 'niceness' can account as a distinctive quality and in itself, epitomize a form of personality. I wouldn't the least feel offended should anyone immediately associate 'niceness' with me; on the contrary I would feel pretty honoured. While people do acts of 'niceness' in daily activities, I don't think we would go so far as to categorize and associate them immediately as someone who epitomizes niceness. It should take a fair bit of extent of niceness of a person for someone to label this tag on him/her at first thought, shouldn't it? This means that the person has to be 'nicer' than most people around him/her, and in that sense, that form of richness in his/her niceness is what makes niceness that distinctive quality.

Why the random thought about niceness? Because my dear rach just made my day with her fs answer that I am one of the two nicest people amongst her friends. My instinctive response was to smile at the computer screen, which then triggered some thoughts about the issue of 'niceness'.

I wouldn't think anyone in school now will label me as such, because I have definitely become more reserved. I don't think it was an intentional effort on my part to be more cautious, but I guess it was just how I subconsciously learnt along the way through whatever that have happened over the past few years. So its pretty sad to say I don't think anyone in school can understand me. Because I probably never allowed them to do so. But, I'm a person who yearns to be understood. I know how contradictory this sounds, and I shall try to explain it here.

Because how much I yearn to be understood, and that means being understood accurately and wholesomely, I refrain from allowing just parts and slices of my personality to be understood by people lest they construe me inaccurately. (The most apt phrase I can think of is 断章取义.)

因为想被了解而不让人了解。

Fascinating dilemma I have.

2011-02-25T00:07:00.002+08:00

Down with the flu bug :( It caught me before I could flee.

Good luck to me. I generally take weeks to recover from flu, hopefully this time round the recovery process can be expedited! I have got loads on my plate undone.. I have to stop marvelling (or rather disgustingly stunned) by how time just flies past me. Better time management!

2011-02-15T00:40:00.002+08:00

Kit Chan's concert was awesome.

I came back and listened to the songs she performed during the night, but no way was it as astounding as her live performance! The magnificence was incomparable because we had SCO performing live for her and perhaps it has got to do with my own inclination towards CO's delivery. But the climatic moments were really stunning with SCO's accompaniment. I just couldn't stop having goosebumps.

The performance brought back those familiar songs that were slowly forgotten over these years. I just had to sing along. Fortunately the CO was so loud it could cover my singing. :) 天冷就回来 caused me to tear, as usual. I love these moments - moments when I feel my soul immersing in the music, woven into this beautiful art. Then I realized how much I miss creating music.

從前對著收音機學唱舊的歌
我問媽媽為什麼傷心像快樂
媽媽笑著說她也不懂得
我想出去走一走哦媽媽點點頭

天冷你就回來別在風中徘徊
哦媽媽眼裏有明白還有一絲無奈
天冷我想回家童年已經不在
昨天的雨點撒下來那滋味叫作愛
別在風中徘徊天冷就回來

漸漸對著收音機學唱新的歌
我問朋友為什麼做夢也快樂
朋友笑說他從不相信夢
我想出去走一走哦朋友點點頭
天冷你就回來別在風中徘徊
朋友的眼裏有明白還有一份期待
天冷我想回家年少已經不在
今天的雨點撒下來那滋味就是愛

現在對著收音機聽自己唱的歌
我的他問為什麼幸福不快樂
我微笑著說我也不懂得
他想出去走一走我對他點點頭
天冷你就回來別在風中徘徊
我猜我眼裏有明白還有一絲無奈
天冷他沒回家我仍然在等待
明天的雨點撒下來那滋味就是愛
別在風中徘徊天冷就回來

2011-02-09T20:14:00.004+08:00

今天又是一个感情泛滥的一天。

Perhaps its precisely because of my ordinary mundane life that makes me so susceptible to emotional connections with songs or movies. I think my life can be well summed up by 平淡无奇安安稳稳. My mum applauds me for my emotional stability. Rarely do you see me in an outburst of euphoria, but even more rarely do you see me wallowing in depression. In my own life, 我是个情绪起伏不大的人。Either its because I'm really insensitive to emotions or that my life really lacks external stimuli that bring about emotional manipulation. I think its the latter..by the very fact that I'm a 感情泛滥 person when it comes to songs and movies. So I should be glad my life is ordinarily peaceful because given by that inherent emotional streak residing, I can be very prone to be emotionally overwhelmed.

Why do I dedicate one post to discuss about this? Because I'm amazed by how I spent 15minutes tearing as I listened to JJ Lin's 美人鱼. It's an old song, but I just discovered it from my music folder today. The first time I listened to it I felt like my entire entire body was immersed in that blanket of melody..Its that connection that strikes immediately. Gonna sound exaggerated, but it felt like the music was in me, or that I was in the music, or both. So I googled the lyrics, and that was when I started tearing. That wave of melancholy hit me hard. Maybe I was thinking too much, but I started wondering if there was something the lyricist had gone through to be able to produce a writing that struck me so hard and fast. I wouldn't say that its the most brilliant lyrics, but somehow it was that combination of the melody, the lyrics, JJ's delivery of the song, and my imagination that made it so beautiful.

再见再也不见

心碎了飘荡在海边

你抬头就看见

2011-01-31T16:40:00.002+08:00

I'm having a headache again from the rain (I know this sounds weird but yes, I get a throbbing headache when I get under the rain, even if it means a few tiny droplets!) I think I need an armour.

I can't decide if I should go for dance later because I can't decide whether dancing helps to alleviate my headache or whether it simply worsens it.

Okay I wish I could type more because my urge to write has finally come to me now, but staring at this screen is making my headache worse. So, bye bye.

Studying for passion :)

2011-01-14T01:02:00.003+08:00

First week of school went by, and I have only attended 2 days of lessons so far. Right now i'm still feeling i**&@Y*YE#U over the fact that my tutorial and meeting BOTH got cancelled tmr last minute, because technically i could have just gone home today.

I absolutely absolutely enjoyed 2207 lecture today. The most obvious reason being that it is my favourite history topic so far, and with the added bonus of an extremely engaging professor, I think it would prove to be the most enjoyable mod this sem :) I just can't wait for the next lecture already. And that's what I really love about studying in university. As I go on yet again, I've never looked so forward to attending lessons. And that's what studying should be about. For me, passion precedes everything. It is only recently that the awareness crept in that such a view of mine is shaped by favourable conditions and environment that not everyone is entitled to. I really should be glad that circumstances have allowed me to pursue my passion, without necessarily sacrificing on practicalities. It is easy for me to wax lyrical about the need to pursue passion in studying, but that's only because I have the ability to do so. I used to frown upon people who override passion with materialistic pursuits, and be distasteful regarding their attitude towards education -one being an avenue to material wealth, but I never did examine the socio-economic conditions that they are entrapped in. Speaking to my cousin in Msia made me realize just how unthinkably hard it is for Chinese to excel there, and that passion and material wealth may well be mutually exclusive. I won't dwell too much on it here, but in all I should be grateful for where and when I was born. A different place, a different time, a different context would have resulted in a different set of historical and social forces that would have shaped my attitude towards education starkly different. Thank you for giving me the capacity to live true to 'studying for passion' :)

2011-01-06T00:38:00.002+08:00

And then I realized I was supposed to blog about how I felt on the first day of school. Got carried away, but so long as it doesn't happen in my essays who cares right. Continue tmr! Should start sleeping early and tuning my bio clock back to appropriateness.

2011-01-06T00:08:00.002+08:00

I was as excited as my Primary 1 cousin on her first day of school! Sis and I decided to join in the fun and hence we tagged along my cousin in her first day reporting for school. Also partly because I wanted to see how Chongfu has become after the years. It was pretty exhilarating to bath in that excitement of the kids and the anxiety of parents :) Amazingly I can still remember the scene of my first day of school. I look back at Chongfu with a whole different angle from how I reminisce Nanyang days. Primary school days were generally more uneventful on the whole particularly in the areas of maturity and self-discovery. But memories of my Chongfu days always bring back a tinge of wonderment of the world stemmed from blissful ignorance. Haha I realize I take delight in not knowing, which..is a scary thought hahaha after all 12 years of education was meant to instill passion and desire for knowledge in me. Not that I don't, but sometimes I do miss the times when I knew lesser. Primary school was a period when I the word 'judging' did not appear in my dictonary yet..when nobody gave a second thought about how others perceived you. Especially what happened after Sec 4 I think I have become very cautious, and even overly cautious of my actions and speech - so much so I don't know if I have lost a part of me. And perhaps that answers why I behave so differently around OST, because of the lack of fear of judgement. And that is also why I marvel at how celebrities continue with their life while being judged by the world.

2011-01-03T16:55:00.002+08:00

6 more days to Sem 2 and I'm currently experiencing a mix of anxiety and anticipation. Anxiety because I know Sem 2 may not be an easy one to tide through, and anticipation because I absolutely love the modules I'll be taking (if I manage to secure them that is..)

The first moment of 2011 wasn't spent in town being blinded by magnificent fireworks like any other years. It has almost become a tradition, but somehow the excitement to soak in that highness of countdown kind of waned this year so none of us wanted to go down to town anymore. Rather my last moments of 2010 were spent in front of the TV - nothing exciting.. but I liked how ordinarily I transited from 2010 to 2011.

First day of 2010 was spent in CIS. I found it extremely well-spent and it was perhaps the best way I could kickstart this year. Met up with OT at night for supper, and then a POST reunion again on Sunday at Ikea! I love how our chemistry remains as epic after 8 years since graduation, and how we continue to indulge in stupid moments. And then I realize how different I am when I'm with my primary school besties - not that I'm extremely bright to start off with..but my IQ dips to a negative digit when I'm hanging around them o.O I wonder why. With Secondary and JC friends I'm always the reliable, steady and calm (okay maybe not always) one. I guess I'm equipped with the skill of travelling back and forth in time to be who I am at different stages of life with different people around me. My mum even commented she saw alot of 童真 in me when I hanged out with OST! I'm honestly glad I have this group of friends around me for me to indulge in some childishness and mindlessness that I have lost for quite some time :)

And then there was batch meet-up at Pam's house..and going back to nygz again. Well right now after talking to Mr L I'm really quite tempted to return to NY to teach history. I was never that set on teaching as a career, which was why I took up a bond-free scholarship. But it definitely is meaningful to return to the place that had ignited that spark of interest in history within me to continue igniting many others :) Feels like I have come full circle, isn't it?

快乐的感动

2010-12-29T12:50:00.002+08:00

看着在风中摇摆的灯笼

心里涌起一股莫名的愉悦

很平静，很满足，

瞬间想呐喊 'life is wonderful'

但在三更半夜的我办不到，

结果对着世界傻笑。

寻寻觅觅，寻寻觅觅

发现快乐其实不难找

倘若时刻都能因简单的快乐而感动，

那。你我的世界会如此美好。

2010-12-27T15:45:00.002+08:00

I think this is the nth time I am talking about how I enjoy my lazy days.

Anyway I thought Xmas this year was well spent with family. I havent had a family xmas party for 10 years, and I have been feeling nostalgic over the frequent family outings we used to have when I was much younger. As much as growing up and change is inevitable, some things should remain constant..in this case it would be family. I miss how we used to hang out at ECP for an entire afternoon, and I would be desperately chasing behind my cousins in bicycles. But family time always seems to hold an inverse relationship with age. I'm just glad we managed to gather our family members together on a xmas evening for some family bonding.

Let this be a tradition :)

2010-12-14T00:29:00.002+08:00

我不是周杰伦迷，所以到今时今日才听到这首勾魂的曲子。歌词，太美太美了。

就如我看到青花瓷歌词的时候是一样的。对方文山的文学造诣是一种哑口无言的赞叹。

应该是最近看太多台湾节目，所以很自然地想用华文来表达自己。有多久没看到身旁的朋友用华文来写博客了？想来想去，还只有胡美娟一人。

每每看到那么美妙的歌词都渴望自己的文学造诣能够更好些。每回听到扣人心弦的音乐也希望自己能在音乐方面有更高的成就。渴望渴望渴望。渴望永无止尽。希望总有一天，我的这些渴望都能转为事实。在这里，我发誓，在我入土为安之前，我会把钢琴学好。真的。

《烟花易冷》

华声遁入空门折煞了世人

　　梦偏冷辗转一生情债又几本

　　如你默认生死枯等

　　枯等一圈又一圈的年轮

　　浮图塔断了几层断了谁的魂

　　痛直奔一盏残灯倾塌的山门

　　容我再等历史转身

　　等酒香醇等你弹一曲古筝

雨纷纷旧故里草木深

　　我听闻你始终一个人

　　斑驳的城门盘踞着老树根

　　石板上回荡的是再等

　　雨纷纷旧故里草木深

　　我听闻你仍守着孤城

　　城郊牧笛声落在那座野村

　　缘份落地生根是我们

听青春迎来笑声羡煞许多人

　　那史册温柔不肯下笔都太很

　　烟花易冷人事易分

　　而你在问我是否还认真

　　千年后累世情深还有谁在等

　　而青史岂能不真魏书洛阳城

　　如你在跟前世过门

　　跟着红尘跟随我浪迹一生

雨纷纷旧故里草木深

　　我听闻你始终一个人

　　斑驳的城门盘踞着老树根

　　石板上回荡的是再等

　　雨纷纷旧故里草木深

　　我听闻你仍守着孤城

　　城郊牧笛声落在那座野村

　　缘份落地生根是我们

　　雨纷纷旧故里草木深

　　我听闻你始终一个人

　　斑驳的城门盘踞着老树根

　　石板上回荡的是再等

　　伽蓝寺听雨声盼永恒

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我常常会被音乐触动。最怕是在公共场所，尤其是地铁车厢里面听音乐听到眼眶泛红的时候。刚刚在想。。世界上如果没有音乐，会有多悲惨？我的音乐造诣确实非常之浅，但起码令我庆幸的是，我还懂得欣赏音乐之美。特别是弹奏了《临安遗恨》以后，才懂得怎么体会音乐。感谢所有创作音乐的人！我无法想象生命中没有音乐会失去多少色彩。

2010-12-12T01:49:00.003+08:00

最近，我忙着追看播放完毕已久的《光阴的故事》。　

它是牵动人心的一部剧。　从没追戏追得那么疯狂，也就因为它把我牵进了剧里的世界。

我被感动了。这次的感动并不是悲剧里的感动，而是感动于故事的温馨，感动于人们的真善美，感动于眷村里那深深的人情味。。这次，也外加感动于剧组的努力。从没在看戏时频频惊叹剧本是些得如此美妙，演员演得如此写实、生动、自然。

不知从何时，我开始向往在村子里长大的生活。我想，应该是从我开始听爸爸回顾以前在村子里的生活点滴，自己又开始为这复杂又有时冷淡的社会感到懊恼的时候吧。有时觉得，我好像生错了年代。

我喜欢眷村生活的简单、

喜欢那浓厚的凝聚力

喜欢那深深的人情味。

这应该是political science 里头所称的'social capital'了。

现在的我，越来越孤僻，越来越不善于与人沟通，打交道。需要极大个人空间与隐私的我，不喜欢打开木门，更不喜欢对面一座租屋的居民能透过那短短的距离就能看到我家。但这不是我想要看到的我。心里深处，我多么希望自己能敞开胸怀地与别人交际，多容纳别人，制造多点共同空间。所以，这部剧呈现了我所向往的一切。在某个程度来说，也蕴含着我向回到过去的向往。虽然小时候不是在眷村长大，但那种生活的朴实却是深深地烙印在我的童年记忆里。我想找回离我而远的那份朴实。　

有时候啊，还真希望自己能更傻些。就如我所坚持的理念。。我宁愿做个快乐的傻人，也不要做个聪明而不快乐的人。聪明往往是会有代价的。看得多，听得多，知得多，烦恼也随之而来得多。有了聪明，但还不够智慧的时候，并会发现自己往往被生活的复杂困着。也可能是从小听到的‘傻人有傻福’的关系。。所以不常便会幻想自己能用傻傻，简单的视角看待这越来越复杂的世界。

我想找回那纯真的温馨。

2010-11-25T13:02:00.001+08:00

Today,

I succumbed to the pink pill.

2010-11-24T10:07:00.002+08:00

Got back Paper 3 and even though I didn't start jumping around the room, that temporal happiness was enough to keep me feeling light and bouncy through the night :) It was not so much the grade per se, but the more intimate knowing that my work has gained appreciation. It bears the mark of sweat, pain (literally..gastric pain and figuratively) and the carrying of an unusual capacity of hope when overwhelmingly confronted with despairrrr. Though ultimately, everything turned out to be blessings in disguise. If not for the difficult time locating a primary source, I wouldn't think I would have stumbled across various other sources that really nailed my essay down to its fullest. Sure it did add on to my determination scale and is also testament to how a passion-filled project does bear different fruits.

Alrighty, I'm off to study for SN exam. I think I will start blogging more as well. :)

2010-11-07T00:57:00.003+08:00

似乎很久没有用华文抒发情感了。为了即将来临的考试，还是先练练笔吧。华文程度真是退步到不行了！就连和老师沟通在表达方面都出现问题了。啊丢脸的双文化学生。。

要告诉自己 - 不要往回头看了。放远视线吧，否则我只会顾着挽回当初的美好而忽略了眼前值得珍惜的幸福点滴。就如《周易》的思想，世界上唯一不变的就是‘变’本身。尽管变革不容易适应，但还是得勇敢地面对，而征服它。

假期快点到来吧。我很久没弹琴了。

2010-09-22T21:47:00.003+08:00

Am getting tired researching for possible articles for Paper 2.

Is it my problem that I'm taking so freaking long just to research??!! Someone tell me it's not just me :(

It's been so long since I felt this rush of workload stress and anxiety. In fact I hate it more when I'm not exactly sure how to go about doing it, rather than have alot to do. And that's when I miss friends who are 24/7 there to solve problems with me, and whom I'm not afraid to ask when I'm in doubt. I feel uncomfortable bugging friends who are not exactly tight with me for help? It feels like I'm burdening them.

Talking about friends - I miss Lishian Jac Van Ruiqi so much. I know, even though I just met Van and Ruiqi yesterday. With the around I have the liberty to be 100% myself and I really cherished those moments before I have to be back in school again. Not that I dislike school, but more like disliking the inability to strike conversations with people I really click and feel extremely comfortable to be with. But I guess it takes time. I just don't know how long that will be though.

2010-09-08T23:59:00.002+08:00

Was reminded by History lecturer about reading blog entries we posted years back. Cringed while reading every post, every sentence.

I don't even know that was me?!

I'm wondering if my transition took place slowly through a matter of 4 years, or was my change most prominent and sudden in Secondary 3 when I got influenced by Buddhist philosophy.

And it's hard to imagine that I was someone who didn't give much attention to homework nor grades. Not that I really really do now, but I'm hundred percent confident that I'm a hundred times more conscientious than I was in lower sec. Seriously I can't figure out how I could be so heck care about studies??

The only thing I can say is that I'm ULTRA GRATEFUL for whatever happened from Sec 2 - 3 that made me mature so much. So glad for who I have become now.

2010-06-26T16:32:00.002+08:00

Facing inertia crawling out of my comfort zone :(

Don't ask me why but I'm not that excited at the prospect of meeting new people. I'm not always like that, but maybe its just because my life is too comfortable right now. It's just quite hard to even fathom the thought of going back to hectic days again.

There have been many many people I havent been keeping in touch with! Actually, it's everybody except for van, lishian and ruiqi i think. Suddenly I sound like a very sad hermit. Okay I will make the effort to catch up with friends before school starts and everything starts whirling past me before I know it, as always.

I have been spending quiet time enriching myself, my soul. Striving for spiritual development! To my Higher Soul, here I come! Been taking up classes at the Centre of Inner Studies to learn pranic healing, so I can be empowered to heal MYSELF :D It's alot of new things I'm absorbing and learning and applying now, so I'm really glad for this long break and at the same time I hope I can have the will and motivation to continue my spiritual development and perfecting my healing skills once school starts! I don't foresee myself making myself hectic at least in the first year. I really still need the time to go treatment! Hope the school understands my situation because I'm feeling abit guilty taking up their scholarship and yet not being able to give back as much.

Anyway back to where I was, I feel more confident in the Law of Attraction now than ever before. I guess it will be really cool if I could have better intuition. Saves me the trouble of indecisiveness if I could have a gut instinct on things.

This year marks the year which I achieved the highest record of movies watched in 6 months!

I'm missing my toys terribly after watching Toy Story 3 :(

2010-05-18T14:04:00.003+08:00

As promised, I'm back :)

How do I even start?

I suppose it started in 2008, when I was feeling quite 'empty' over the lack of involvement in an activity that I could feel attached to. Somehow my activities in JC simply just didn't evoke that kind of passion like what nygz did, and I really looked forward to practice sessions with nygz again. I remember how acute the feeling got after watching harmoc concert in 09, because that was when I truly longed to be part of a team performing together on stage again and so the next few days after harmoc concert, I began sending out mass emails to nygz batchmates and juniors to ask for their interest in having a nygz alumni performance in 紫韵筝情 '10. The waiting from last June til March 2010 was a long one - I remembered how I used to lament with Sai over how we so badly missed practising together, and we wished that we could just go back to m3 as and when we wanted on Saturday mornings to practise together.

I cannot forget the exuberance knowing that we could finally finally practise together, and above all, play 白衣！ I cherished every single Saturday practice - consciously living and enjoying the moment (knowing how it feels to miss something so badly, I vowed that this time round given the chance, I will be consciously cherishing every single moment with nygz). But even so, it didn't help me from missing the experience in lesser proportions either.

This time round it was a different experience. There was of course a much lesser element of stress. Talking about stress, my heart really went out to Jiayun seeing her break down after rehearsal, because I totally know how that feels. But I also know that she will emerge stronger, gain more confidence and maturity having gone through that. Because I'm a living example myself. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger - I really can't help but just nod vehemently in agreement. Back to the point about a different experience - we had to chance to take on a position of observers this time round, looking at how the juniors lead their juniors in the concert. I was always glad to see how my young juniors have evolved because they are like mirrors to us. Looking at them was like standing in a 3rd person's perspective looking at my batch mates and I 3 years ago, albeit with significant differences here and there in terms of leading styles. Sometimes I just wished there was a video cam that recorded our traces of growth in nygz :)

I went home and was telling my sis that I seemed to be suffering from post-performance depression. She commented, 'but you only played 2 songs hello! and you weren't even part of the organizers of the concert like you did 3 years ago!'. I paused, and gave a thought about it. The level of involvement in tangible terms was definitely much lesser, but the sense of involvement in intangibles was not. And that's when because nygz is forever something so close to your heart, you forever feel closely tied to it - like a string that perhaps becomes invisible once we step out of nanyang, but in reality it never disappears. It is this string that brings me back to nygz frequently because I just want to be involved with how nygz is growing and evolving. To put it simply, I think it has become part of me. (I am actually laughing at my sudden realization because Duh! I have already alluded nygz to my baby long time ago so why should suddenly dawn upon me that it has become part of me?! It should have realized this long ago haha!)

Some may ask why nygz is so important to me. A few reasons:

1) I'm especially grateful for nygz. If not for nygz, I will not be who I am today. Sounds dramatic, but true. Nygz gave me the opportunities to shine, even when I had not enthusiastically grabbed those opportunities, I was lucky to have the chance to have them all the same. From someone unconfident to be a leader, from someone who felt terribly stressed just to organize a nygz camp, from someone who was uncomfortable with speaking to the entire CCA, from someone who felt incapable of bearing the responsibilities of a CCA as a blur Sec 2, to someone now who is sure of her leadership abilities, who is confident of delivering what is expected of her, who is absolutely at ease with speaking to a group of people - I owe all of these to nygz.

2) For the life-lasting memories nygz created. Probably starting from 临安, that was when I truly understood the meaning of creating music, and not simply plucking notes from the strings.

The stress, the anxiety, the nervousness, the times when nygz crossed my mind almost every single second every day, to be a step forward anticipating what problems might arise before every practice, submitting a 'very comprehensive proposal' that zhenglaoshi applauded afterwhich was pointed out by the principal that we had forgotten to include the date of the concert, having lunch practices with sectionals, missing lunches because I always felt guilty to eat if other sections were having lunch practices so I felt the need to be in m3 with them, knocking at zhenglaoshi's window every day, the first time I scolded nygz, the constant emails and smses to my section being the kiasu me after each prac to remind them of things to note. reckon I'm probably the most naggy SL. the fear when pam delayed appearing on stage for 遇见 at the start of the concert, the times i sat down at the corridor with sai and pam complaining to each other how our sections had not been improving and fretting over 'what-if's, the crazy emotional rollercoaster before SYF, to share with juniors my learning points on being a leader and senior and the list goes on. Every single performance with nygz has added on to my collection of memories - I remember each and every one of them, and the different situations we were put in for all of them. Most epic has got to be running across Orchard road in nygz costume with one hand carrying the gz, the other carrying the jiao after getting out of the wrong exit door at the hotel kitchen after performance and the other having to get out of the bus in our gz costume to push the bus which died on us in the middle of the road on our way to Zhenghua Square for performance :P Thank you for all the memories.

3) For the beautiful friendship forged. What binds us so strongly together is our common passion for nygz. To see juniors equally passionate about nygz like us is the most heartwarming thing ever :) Knowing that this love for nygz gets passed on batches to batches keeps me going. The small little and big eventful things that we have gone through together as batchmates, as seniors-juniors, as teacher-students are indelible. To be able to look back with such wonderful memories is a bliss.

所以我感恩一切。感恩自己有多么的幸运，能够碰到这一切，这些人，事，物。经历了不同的体验，才发现，在 nygz 这些美好的回忆可不是理所当然的。we don't get to have such beautiful memories all the time.

2010-05-16T23:55:00.002+08:00

I'll be back tomorrow to plunge into all that reminiscing :)

与南洋古筝演奏是我的最爱.

2010-04-26T13:30:00.002+08:00

And after almost 2.5 years, I realize that my favourite activity still happens to be playing guzheng with nygz :) Nothing beats the fun of the numerous attempts to get our different parts synchronised, 打拍子, and most of all the indulgence I get when I get myself fully absorbed in the piece of music which leaves me with a tingling sensation after that :)

I have been looking forward to these precious sessions for god-knows-how-long! It's great to be able to find that something that brings you joy no matter how long you lose touch with it. And it's even better to find that group of lovely people who are willing to relive through the experience with you :) I shall hereby proclaim my love for my dearest nygz once more. (I know I have done this for the nth time already) Nygz is a repository of unforgettable memories, an evidence of my growth, and most of all, my baby :) I happened to open a file that contained my letter to Vivien after I stepped down in 2007, and in that letter, I told Vivien that I alluded Nygz to a baby; my baby. It's that kind of personal attachment; it was never about the workscope of a president for a CCA.

As much as I can't wait for 15 may to come, I don't want it to be over either. I still want my Saturday times at m301!

2010-04-12T01:25:00.002+08:00

I know I'm ultra lag - I am only watching Boys over Flowers now! I see why my sis has gone so crazy over Lee Min Ho last year.. Even my mum is going slightly crazy over him already. It's fun chasing drama serials with my mum especially when she is cursing and swearing as she blames me for getting her hooked on to dramas and she has no time left to do her homework -.- But times when I just indulge myself in fairytale romantic dramas just leaves me too..idealistic and hopeful, and fan-girly as well.

Am proud of myself for watching 14 episodes of BOF with only Chinese subtitles in TRADITIONAL CHINESE CHARACTERS hooray :D though at times there is absolutely a need for me to pause the dvd and stare hard enough at a few characters which I cannot understand. But watching Taiwan variety shows has definitely served its purpose well here :P

Today I was just talking about watching drama serials with my cousin while we were stoning when the adults were cleaning up the graves. (I went to sao mu this morning.) Very often after I watch a drama serial, i end up asking myself - yes, so I just spent 5 days chasing 30 episodes. and ultimately, what value has it added on to my life? (apart from getting to know one more hot celebrity) The answer then appears to be a sad no most of the time. But even so it doesnt deter me not to watch drama serials either because it's just so hard to fight the allure of entertainment! So most of the time I watch with a lingering guilt in me that I should be doing something more meaningful, and this sucks.

I was in a forest today sweeping graves.. It's the first time my parents dragged me to sao mu at this older site. I have only been to the CCK cemetery so far. The graves at the site we went today are way older. It reads 民国八年 on the tombstone! Well basically the graves I visited today were all my ancestors whom I have never met before, some whom my dad hasnt even seen before either. I salute my Ahma for being able to trek across the forest with the ground being exceptionally slippery given that it poured yesterday. I was having quite a bit of a problem climbing the slope and trying to entangle my legs from the branches and roots of the trees already please..But okay, that's me being the clumsy one - the one that has something against climbing slopes. My experience with slope climbing is enough for me to write a short story and publish it by the way. Anyway I just wonder how long more can this sao mu tradition continue. Perhaps twenty more years? I kind of enjoy it despite having to get myself all dirty, climbing slopes, tearing because the incense smoke gets too unbearable at times, stinking after being engulfed in smoke after they burn all the incense paper...

五叔公was so sweet. He asked me about my health condition and if I have been improving and told me to drink more tonics..Get Ginseng, chicken essence and Bird's nest! So i jokingly said I have got no money for Bird's Nest, and then he reached out into his pockets and shoved $50 into my hands. I am not particularly close to him given that I see him about 4 times a year when we have a gathering with the entire extended family, but I'm just so warmed by his concern and love :) This $50 will go into the angpow pocket which I keep the money which my Ahma has given me. I get very very sentimental when it comes to things like that. I dont think I will ever use the money in the angpow pocket in my life. (Hopefully I dont get to a stage so poor that I will even need to consider to use them :/)

2010-04-07T12:30:00.002+08:00

Inertia?

You know you kind of miss some people in your life, yet something's just stopping you to give them a call or drop them a message. I can't spell out that 'something' - not at all. Detachment? Perhaps having my life revolved around the CC, my family, my extended family and home has made me grow unaccustomed to socializing. I'll see when I can fight that inertia off..

2010-03-23T19:44:00.003+08:00

i love the feeling of waking up whenever i feel like and just laze around the house, take my time to read the newspapers, play my guzheng, and watch some spongebob, and have my afternoon nap as and when i feel sleepy. this is bliss :)

i really really really dislike the feeling of going out for consecutive days. i hate having to wake up early and rush for an appointment or event and when this becomes a routine for at least 3 days or so, i get quite annoyed. so after 4 days of life like that, i finally got to enjoy a relaxing day today :D

did my usp essay - hope it's alright. heading to msia again so i better send my documents to nus by tmr. anyway i have made up my mind abt uni options. it's history at NUS :) although a part of me still misses SMU alot. i feel this attachment to the place already, and you must be going what-the right when i havent even started schooling there yet. oh well, bye bye SMU. although i like you alot, but i like history more. :)

2010-03-13T19:41:00.003+08:00

:D My life has been pretty exciting for the past 2 weeks :) (and of course, this is relative to the kind of life my life has been for the past 2 months!)

This will be a record of fun stuff/ activities I have done for the past 2 weeks rather than my usual rambling and thoughts. Realized that I havent been penning down what I have been up to for quite some time..and that I really enjoy reading what I had been up to a few years down the road when I read my archives!

Anyway so here goes!

Last Tuesday

Working on Monkey Tay's birthday present! Van came over to my house and the talented artist here started working on her mega production :D I really didn't know I was so good at drawing monkeys?! It was pretty exciting to come up for ideas for the comic strip; reminded me of Sec 2 Art class :D I was the one giving ideas while Jamie and Tweeny did all the drawing, and our comic strip was picked by the art teacher to be showcased! Bottom-line is that I was constantly fascinated by my drawing the whole time, going "OMG I'M DAMN GOOD!"

Headed to Tampines to watch 'Dear John' and met up with Char at Ikea after that. My first time eating Ikea meatballs seriously...

Last Thursday

Mega production showcase time! Van and I were like little mice scuttling across shenton way. We asked almost 10 people for directions within 2 hours I think! Plus it was also the fault of Monkey tay who told us the wrong location, so we ended up looking like idiots, filming the whole process of us trying to look for her in this random foodcourt with alot of people staring at us -.- The whole intention was to embarrass her infront of her colleagues with her funny and happening past, but we didnt get to since she had to leave her colleagues to come fetch the lost sheep stranded in an unknown building. Nonetheless it was really fun! How many times do we get to do such crazy stuff for our friends? :D

Last Friday

D-day lor, what else! Am grateful :) I enjoyed my food at Professor Brawn's Cafe at Novena at dinner :)

Last Saturday and Sunday

SMU open house aka the-two-days-that-started-a-whole-lot-of-dilemna-for-me-that-lasted-a-week! It was a SMU Business vs NUS History tug of war which got me really really lost. Was brought to this place at SMU ( I dont even know whats the name of the place)..the one you get to play board games.. Was quite an eye-opener for a 宅女 like me! I have to play CLUEDO again!! Anybody has the board game set? :D

Thursday

Went out with xyy to the nlb. The main purpose was to read some Business books..but i ended up reading the social sciences books for too long until I got so hungry that I had to leave for dinner without reading much of the Business texts :/ I thought the Marketing text was an interesting read :) It was a day of ALOT of walking. Super proud of myself, for walking from Heeren to Lido HAHAHA. Watched the Hurt Locker :) My poor heart. I'm not someone who can take suspense very well. XD

Today

NTU Open house! I wasn't exceptionally interested in any of their courses but just went anyway :) Am glad I went because I kinda got a revelation there which helped me pinpoint what I really should do in university :)))

I'm having a headache now, most probably from the downpour at Jurong east :(

2010-03-06T00:40:00.003+08:00

I'm really blessed indeed :)

Studying with my body for the past 2 years was quite a feat. Like today, when my dry eyes acted up again and I was simply annoyed at how I was having such great pains just to open them, I couldnt imagine how I could have struggled through studying last time.

If i have survived the hectic JC years with a not-so-satisfactory-body, I don't see what I cannot accomplish in future when my health recovers :D Limitless! I plant this notion in my mind everyday, as an optimistic encouragement for myself.

Gratitude should be the word that best describes what I'm feeling right now. My mum thinks it's a miracle. I think so too. I know for sure I put in a massive amount of hardwork, but I also know for sure my handwriting was so illegible I didnt want to give my script a second glance. I was only praying that the marker could comprehend what I was writing the whole time after As ended! Coupled with the fact that my health definitely wasnt in its best of the worse condition the period of As, having to bear with that severe knee ache during History Paper and gastric pain during i-cant-remember-which-was-that-paper, I really couldn't have wished for what I have gotten.

In retrospect, while I was praying the past few days before the release of results, the one thing that came to my mind why I prayed for good results was that I did not want all the efforts my parents had invested in me to go to waste. And by efforts, I mean how my Dad fetches me from school everyday at 7plus 8pm from school after my mugging in school. Despite being at the other end of Singapore sometimes, he never fails to pick me up just to let me enjoy the comfort of being driven back home, instead of having to travel by public transport and arrive home feeling REALLY lethargic. How my whole family has been so understanding, allowing me to move into my Dad's office to 'camp' for the month before As so I have my own little room where I can scatter all my notes the way I wanted them to, and have that space of my own without distractions. Also how my mum makes me Ginseng everyday to build up my energy level just so I can tahan through the day.. This list goes on and on because that's just how much my family has been supportive of my studies and being ever so accomodating, just to make sure I have the best environment to study. The immediate joy that overwhelmed me when I got my results was really the relief that I hadn't let all that trouble my family took in supporting me all these while go to waste.

Am grateful :)

2010-03-01T21:51:00.003+08:00

And so it's confirmed - this Friday..

In fact I was glad for what happened yesterday night. Had a good conversation with Joseph about how I would deal with Friday. I will be your number one fan if you become a counsellor Joseph! I just needed someone to reinforce and reiterate what I already thought I knew, which was conveniently flung elseway faraway as soon as the anxiety and horror crept in. It was this sudden frenzy and FEAR. Honestly I havent felt that sense of trepidation for so long, and it was as if my heart had already sunken to the ground. I guess it was because I had never mentally prepared myself on how I should react if I really don't do well. I have been trying hard to practise 'The Secret' that's why ><>

Okay so now that I went through a night of emotional rollercoaster ( I won't elaborate in details what happened because I don't want anybody else who have the same predicament to be unnecessarily freaked out ha!), I guess I have set the tone right for Friday.

It also reminded me again of how cool my mum is seriously. I told her that results release would most probably on Friday, and she said, "Let's go for a celebration on Friday night!" I asked, "What if I screw up?" and she replied, "We will STILL celebrate! Regardless of your results. Celebrate your hardwork, your effort, not the results :)" The thing Joseph and I was talking about was to do with family's expectations. It should not be a concern anymore given that my mum is so damn cool about it :D

I will just do as fine, as perfectly fine :)

2010-02-27T00:27:00.002+08:00

I headed down to Ion today, queued for a painful 2 hours, and finally managed to get my Mitch Albom's books autographed by him! He speaks with an air of humour and a whole lot of sincerity. I really like how blatantly honest he was with himself while writing Tuesdays with Morrie. In fact I read Tuesdays with Morrie when I was 10 ( I can still remember it was my Health Education teacher - Ms Angela Ng who introduced me to the book!) ..but I read it like how I read any other storybooks, and still found it boring. I guess I wasn't of an age matured enough to understand Morrie's seemingly simple, yet profound teachings. I think I picked it up again when I was 14, and it was then I truly appreciated the book. I have read it 4 or 5 times since then, and every single time I read it, I manage to get a new insight, and see new things I failed to in the previous times I flipped the same page, read the same line. The last time I read it was November, during the A levels period. Funny how I actually read more avidly during the A levels period! But anyway, I actually cried quite badly after reading Tuesdays then. It somehow just stirred up this string of emotions in me, and then the crying became quite unstoppable. It really made me think hard, very very hard, about my life, and the people around me. I'm grateful to Mitch Albom for writing such a treasure, and therefore explaining my very out of the blue occurrence - stepping out of the house, and even rarer - standing for 2 hours, all just to get my books autographed by one of my favourite authors :) My books were totally rotten in a giam chai state. Haha bears testimony to how many times I have read them! I have had Tuesdays for 10 years already, and fortunately it was a hard cover copy. So there goes my mini adventure out of the house today :D Extremely fulfilling one indeed!

2010-02-25T13:45:00.002+08:00

Any good books to recommend? My favourite books till now include The Kite Runner, The White Tiger and Wild Swans. I particularly enjoy reading books of this genre. I'm not really a person who has a thing for suspense-thrillers, unlike my mum and my sis. I get freaked out reading Mr Midnight, so no thanks. To add on to that, I'm not someone who can remember storylines well. Test me on Harry Potter and I won't be able to answer most of your questions. The same goes for Dan Brown's books. Despite having read all of his books in 2007, I found myself unable to recall much of the storyline while I was watching Angels and Demons in the cinema last year. Thus books that emphasize much on ingenius plots and twists perhaps don't really appeal to me as much as books that explore on the emotional side of its characters and the reflection of the society/background in which the book was set.

Writing the above forces me to make a comment on the Twilight series. I'm sorry, but I definitely did not appreciate the books. I read all 4 by the way -.- The very reason why I decided to pick the book up was because I was much bewildered by the entire hype. So, I read the first book, and I did not understand why. I thought to myself, well, perhaps the essence of it lies in the second book. And i read the second, afterwhich, I still could not understand why. So that's how I continued compelling myself to finish reading the 4 books, and still in amazement about the craze over it.

I'm gonna boycott Google Chrome. It keeps crashing on me! And it had to crash just i was just about to finish buffering my Kite Runner online :(

2010-02-16T16:11:00.002+08:00

I'm gonna talk about a really trivial matter - so trivial I don't think people reading this should continue further! I just needed a space to express my thoughts on this.

It all happened yesterday during CNY gathering at one of my relative's place. Let's see, out of the three main characters, two of them, I shall call YJ and LX, were my 'closer cousins' (meaning we share the same Ahma and meet up pretty frequently). The other was JY, whom wasn't as closely related to us. My Ah Gong is the brother of her Ah Gong, ie my Dad and her Mum are cousins, which makes us distant cousins (if there is even such a word).

Okay so the story goes like this: Normally, YJ aged 9 and LX aged 5 would always hand around together at my Ahma's place. So when CNY comes, and JY, aged 10 joins in, YJ and JY join forces together to boycott my poor LX, literally treating her like some sort of disease, shunning her like a plague. Paint this image in your mind: A house with rooms facing opposite of each other. Once LX enters Room A where YJ and JY are at, YJ and JY immediately vanishes and runs to Room B. LX follows them into Room B, and then they make a quick escape again. And this process goes on infinitely..until poor LX got so upset that her supposedly close YJ jie jie has abandoned her and she sits to watch TV all by herself in a room.

By then, having observed this for a time long enough, I went forward to YJ and JY and gave them a stern talk over what they just did. Then the usual self-defensive retaliatory remarks came spurting out as usual. Then they trudged to the next room and sat beside LX, but in irritated and uncomfortable looks coupled with a few hurtful remarks.

I don't really think they understood what I said about putting themselves in others' shoes.

How is it possible for children to be so capable of deliberately hurting others? I really really wonder whats on their minds, especially for YJ. To be so close to LX, seeing her everyday, playing with her like she is a own little sister, and turn her back against her having made a new friend. I'm simply bewildered. It hurts quite a bit to see children acting just like adults we see in society. Witnessing cases in society such as abuse, slavery, and throwing derogatory insults at people have always made me wonder what goes on in the mind of the people who commit such acts. Does hurting someone else make you feel better? Does it elevate you to a higher societal class, or does it inflate your self-worth? Initially I thought they were just being immatured and childish, and one day they will grow out of this phase and stop these silly acts. But just then I realized there are ample cases of grown-ups doing the same too, and even taking it up to a magnified level. Maybe, this has nothing to do with whether you are a child or not. It simply boils down to your character. If you are one who never tries to put yourself in someone else's shoes and hopelessly self-centric, you will be the same, regardless whether you are 5 or 50 years old.

Well, I had initially wanted to end off saying I hope my cousins grow out of this phase and mature quickly. But I don't think that applies anymore. I just hope they make a conscious effort to notice the hurt they have caused to others, and desire to change for the better.

2010-02-10T03:27:00.002+08:00

I decided to go onto youtube to search for the video on the pastor who had made a seditious speech on Buddhism and Taoism just now, and all I can say is that I feel..terribly upset -upset at how he could misintepret others' religions and then make a joke out of the entire thing, and worse still, with a bunch of audience laughing along with him at his insulting remarks. I fully understand that what he has done is not what Christianity preaches. Even as a non-Christian, just looking at banners hanging outside churches i know that ‘神爱世人’! I'm just seriously wondering what he has been learning and preaching all these while to his church goers, and how many minds have been unfortunately misled. I have to admit that my blood was starting to boil halfway through watching the video.. But then, I came across a comment on youtube. It was a timely reminder for me to keep check of my emotions, not just in this case, but likewise in my everyday life. 忍人所不能忍. As of now, I don't think I can achieve that yet. I tend to get all heated up when I meet people who are absolutely 无理取闹! 就是吞不下那口气. I'll have to change this aspect of myself. Anyway, this was the quote that got me thinking:

One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake." Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to which the gift belongs?" The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift." The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself." "If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."

2010-02-04T11:12:00.002+08:00

i enjoy:

- folding the clothes while watching TV

- playing guzheng

- trying to figure out piano

- playing with cousins

- reading books

i don't enjoy:

- cooking (as of now. so tedious! and in the end my food still tastes horrible anyway)

- hanging the clothes

- sweeping the floor (it really depends. depending on the extent of my backache. but i do love the satisfaction i get AFTER i sweep the floor)

seems like i need to work harder and try to enjoy what i currently don't because i'll have to do them for a long period of time..

2010-01-30T17:06:00.003+08:00

I have been tearing more than usual these few days.

Incident # 1: I was reading 华韵 33 and came across a few writings that really echoed my sentiments regarding life and how we view memories. I'm a person who likes to reminisce (as I have already pointed out before) so those beautifully crafted lines really struck me. I don't know how to pen that kind of emotions down..It was half awesomely-awed by the level of sophistication in writing, half having-to-concede-this-is-what-life-is-feeling. My mum will think that I'm being overyly sentimental and use the phrase '感情泛滥' on me again if I tell her this (thats why I prefer not to). On a side note, people who are reading this and happen to not detest Chinese, please pick up 华韵 and give a read. Ironically it was my sis who is not even in Hwa Chong who had to strongly recommend me to read and even half-forcing me at that time to pick it up. It so happened that she randomly picked up the book which was lying in some corner of my house to read while she was having dinner and was instantly captured by the writing. I vow to improve my Chinese. And this time I AM SERIOUS.

I shall start writing more Chinese from NOW. haha.

事件 2：

当天晚上我和妈妈又再一次聊起我的病情。爸爸说一位朋友向他介绍一名中医，要我去看看。爸爸说：“这名中医听说很好，只要一推一推你的筋骨，就知道你是什么问题。” 我回答：“其实很多医生都能说出我到底是什么问题，但至今没有一个能把我医好。。” 妈妈连忙接着说：“我看你是前世偷了医生的钱，所以今世得还那么多医生费用！” 我又补了一句：“要说偷医生的钱，也轮不到我偷！应该是爸爸偷才对，既然我的医药费都是他在还啊！” 当晚我想起我们的谈话，心里其实很伤心。我伤心不是因为我又病缠身，觉得很委屈，很不舒服，或觉得很不公平。我从来没这么想过。只是，我有点厌倦每次抱着满怀的希望，通过别人的介绍，看新的医生。听别人说，他怎么怎么有多么多么好，把他的病都治好了。。但每次希望都落空。又再一次，通过别人的介绍，又满怀希望地相信下一个医生肯定治得了我。而令我最内疚的就是父母在我身上花的医药费。在一个月里我已经花了差不多一千块了。爸爸生意难做，我知道钱越来越难赚。但我这个身体现在也不能出去工作，医生都叫我要充分地休息，一定不能再让身体劳累。加上我每个拜一三五都要去气功，我不能找固定时间的工作，只能赚点补习费罢了。我感叹为什么我不能快点好，就不用再把钱都丢进大海。但我相信我总有一天一定会好，一定会！只是希望这一天快点快点到来。

事件 3 ：

刚刚和阿麽通电话，跟她说说我对于大学的顾虑，还没完全决定是否还在新加坡读或到外国留学。她只说了这几句话。 “你到外国读书要读好几年，到时，可能阿麽已经走了。阿麽很老了，剩下的年头不多。阿麽会想念你。” 当时我听了已经开始哽咽。

所以，我决定了，我会留在新加坡读书。

2010-01-27T01:59:00.006+08:00

As promised!!! Sai here you go :D Take note of the portion in BOLD! Shall ask Pam to take a look at this XD

SUNDAY, JULY 23, 2006

10plus - reached esplanade. ban guzheng from the lorry and went outside artiste lounge to tune guzheng.

okay then we went to green room to eat our lunch. and it was fried rice with egg plus some lunchean meat or something i cant rmb. haha. and haha food distribution was URHHH. some people made some people irritated with some people. haha shant mention.

then we spent the rest of our time slacking in artiste lounge. but you know we were really tired. esp pammie and i. whenever i put on makeup, i'll be tired for the whole day i dont know why. my eyes will be super super tired and i feel like sleeping. so pam leaned on my shoulders to sleep, and i leaned on qiyan's. and stupid pam said my shoulders were too low for her. -.- YALAH YOU GREW LA, XIAO BU DIAN.

then there was briefing for final rehearsal and so on. not soon after, it was our item. and we went to the backstage. SUPER NERVOUS. because we were afraid the feeling we slowly dugged would be gone, and all the chemistry would not appear on the stage. we didnt want to disappoint linlaoshi, mrs ee, nyco and ourselves. so at the backstage we were trying to pei yang gan qing. and I FELT DAMN URGENT. and pam said she needed the toilet badly too! but at that point of time, we just couldnt!

and pam said her classic line, '我是岳飞。岳飞在监牢都没有厕所。我不可以上厕所！‘

then liting started laughing like some idiot.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

hahaha pam, if you're reading this - thanks for bringing us so much laughter (even till now as i reminisce) with your retardedness!!

went for 连老师's lessons finally! the last time i went was last year june. i remember this so vividly because there was fac comm dinner treated by our mr teh, mrs ng and mr khairul at this hotel at clarke quay and we had good food :D my flats decided to tear itself apart halfway as i was walking out from guzheng lessons so i had to grab another pair of flats at clarke quay. and that pair of flats is about to break apart now too :(

made my way to ny (again) to visit nygz. zhenglaoshi asked me to go back to teach sec ones starting from next week - BUT WITHOUT GETTING PAID :(

really really looking forward to 15may!!!! the songs i have heard so far have been great. sai and i actually had goosebumps today listening to princess..princess what?! somebody tell me the name of the song please i dont seem to be able to remember it!

mmmmmm. the night is scarily silent..

2010-01-22T03:59:00.002+08:00

I just spent my entire night reading through my blog archives.

Realized that i used to blog in a much detailed and hilarious way.

But then again maybe it is not that my writing style has changed; it might just be because hilarious events have been occurring at a decreasing rate over the past 2 years! nothing beats nanyang good old times <3

Tomorrow, i will re-post some funny, epic, classic blogposts in the year 2006. I nearly died laughing. trying to control my laughter because the whole world is sleeping already is hard!!!

Life was so much more eventful in 2006 haha :D I guess it was the people. Many of whom i mentioned in my posts are now so distant in my life, some whom i even stopped talking to. Despite all that, i must say i really cherished our friendship, no matter how temporary it was. So thankyou for being part of my memories, for allowing me to piece all those moments together.. so that i can still reminisce and laugh at the funny moments now, and in many many years to come.

I'm getting all emotional again.

I have concluded 3 things of my life in 2006:

1) 2006 was an extremely stressful year. 3/4 of my posts were complaints of school work. i think the word 'SIA' came out at least 100 times in my posts in 06.

2) I fell in love with NYGZ in 06. The turning point in my life came after the Zhenghua performance and Lin an at Esplanade. Those moments - i wont ever forget. I fell in love with music.

3) I enjoyed myself alot in 309. I made many crazy friends and we did many crazy things together. Friends meant the whole world to me.

Now i'm just glad i took the effort to note down significant events in my life or just simply mundane things everyday. Reminiscing is my habit :)

2010-01-22T00:22:00.002+08:00

would like to quote justina.

大团圆 :D

went back to visit nygz today <3>

brings me back so many memories looking at them practising. tried to join in when they played 'endless love' but didnt really succeed because i forgot my notes already.

alumni will be playing 白衣姑娘！there's a reason why my batch loves this song so much. okay a few reasons actually. 1) needless to say, the composition is way too great. i fell in love with it the first time i heard it. 2) it was the first song i heard when i stepped into nygz. when i was a blur innocent sec 1 who couldnt really play anything better than 丰收锣鼓.. and when i heard how melodious this entire song was i couldnt help but wonder when i could ever produce such music. it almost seemed impossible. and so it was forever etched so wonderfully, impossibly beautiful in my mind :)

i hope nygz continues to shine on the stage :) and stay as closely knitted. it always makes me a lil sad to hear zhengls complain abt the new intakes having poor attitudes etc. i dont know if its the general trend for the generation nowadays or what...but for 'my time' complaints were really not the norm. quite glad that my juniors (till i was sec4) were all a very very sweet bunch. and when nygz expands day by day, it is inevitable that people may not feel as close and as tight a family. but i do hope batches of sec3 and 4 seniors will do their best to maintain this bond which i dearly treasure. and of course i hope every batch of nygz girls will graduate with many beautiful memories of their time in cca like how i do :) and have this special connection with nygz that you forever feel like you are part of this family no matter how old you are.

just cant stop reminiscing about nygz huh!

nygz alumni outing last sat at wild wild wet :D i nearly died when i sat for the tube thing. man my legs literally went wobbly i'm serious. i almost felt like...near death hahaha im not kidding. looks like i have got a very very faint heart. now you know what will kill me. talking and catching up with juniors..making chengxin tong and shuhui come all the way to tampines for dinner :P

AND NOT TO FORGET MEETING THIS WEIRD PERVERT ON THE TRAIN WHICH SCARED THE HELL OUT OF CHENGXIN AND ME. he was an inch to having his whole body drop on us until this kind man stood out and made him move away from us. kind man, i'm eternally grateful to you!

back to nygz..sai and i came to the conclusion that we are the first ever batch in nygz so enthusiastic about our cca :D to actively organize nygz outings and even took an oath (haha) that we will perform in nygz concerts till we grow old and become immobile. really hope this passion passes down please dont let it die..

cant wait for this year's concert to come. cant wait to start practising with alumni! i dont know, its the only thing that im looking so forward to. :)

and thanks to joelle for all the free chocolate :D

kae i tried making aglio olio today.

EPIC FAILURE.

no aglio on earth can beat mine.

today i finally understood and experienced for myself the true meaning of 得不偿失

im sorry im still kinda upset with myself so im typing this like thattt

spending so much time to make the aglio (because the first time the spaghetti tasted like stone because i didnt boil it long enough. and after i cooked it with garlic and all i realized it couldnt be eaten so i dumped the whole 'cooked' thing back into the water again and had to cut more garlic and chilli and yadah yadah continued to make a mess out of the kitchen)

and thennn still having to eat a tasteless aglio despite putting so much garlic i really dont understand whyyy and the spaghetti just refuses to absorb the olive oil??!! so it was like eating spaghetti and olive oil separately.

and the worsttttt part is to have my hands burning in fire after having to swallow down that crappp. i think im allergic to chilli!!!!! now my hands are still burning fyi. my mum thought it was the natural burning sensation after everybody touches chilli. BUT NOOO. mine has lasted for 4 hours already despite rinsing it with water and applying all sorts of soothing cream i can get in my houseeeeee. and if i were to rate the pain it is almost to an extent unbearable for me already..

sigh.. sorry sis to have made you swallow down that crap today. i learnt a lesson. never cook sth in large portions when its your first time making it.

2010-01-14T23:11:00.003+08:00

Walking as slowly as I want...is part of what makes up my definition of ‘good life’ :D Shout-out to Lishian if you’re reading this: thankyouuuuu very much. Haha I know you enjoy going out a lot, but I still have to thank you for all the effort. And your grandma as well!! 多谢！

I haven’t been meeting up with friends or talking to friends a lot. I don’t go online now.. don’t ask me why; I don’t know either. And.. I hardly talk to people unless they approach me first to talk. This is part of my character which I’m not sure if I should resolve to get rid of. I guess it’s always good to take initiative to catch up with friends. Okay, take it as it comes.

Is it me, or is the weather getting colder these 2 days? My hands and feet have been so cold I feel like I’m in winter!

Today is the..20^th time I have been to therapy. My therapist says that I’m not recovering at a progress he predicted me to. About 2 times slower haha… The aching sensation has been with me for so long I cant really tell whether I have improved after the sessions actually. It’s as if I’m not sensitive to the degree of pain anymore because everyday is just like that. I hope to believe I have been improving!!! Just that I cant sense it haha. Hope so. Takes time I know..take it slow J and it rhymes!

I have started tuition with a primary 5 girl for 2 weeks already. And she says the moment she sees books she feels like sleeping.. haha it’s amusing but frustrating at the same time (when you are the tutor)!

2010-01-10T21:08:00.003+08:00

my cousins are WAY TOO CUTE.

i just cannot imagine myself..going overseas to study one day and missing out all the fun witnessing my small cute cousins go through the different phases growing out. from staying silent despite all efforts to make him talk, to speaking random weird words, to being able to string a sentence albeit with super duper eccentric pronunciation. to me its a really important part of my life that makes me..whole? having to bear through not being able to see my cousins frequently during examination periods was..quite miserable. so glad i finally have the luxury of time now. :D

2010-01-03T22:31:00.002+08:00

happy 2010 :D

in fact, this year i haven't sat down in a proper manner to list down my new year resolutions. owing to myself conforming to the norm, i shall once again list down my new year resolution like any other year.

this year, my biggest resolution will be to get my health back on tracks :D as simple as that.

yesterday i went for a one-day trip to an island at Indonesia, Tanjong Balai. i would say it was one of the best ways to kickstart the year. i followed my grand aunty who had organized the trip with her church friends to throw a party for the children of the prison inmates. it reminded me very much of kolkata - the rundown kampong style houses, the 浓浓的人情味, and the easily contented children. instead of cows that were roaming the streets it was chickens instead this time round. to know how this little effort by us could go such a long way for the children and their family... when the team leader said, "congrats, today we have brought smiles to 30 children and 20 over families", i guess it was the final note that helped pin-point what i loved most in life. the party wasnt anything elaborate nor were the presents anything fanciful, but the children were genuinely happy..when the family members came up to shake our hands thanking us for the bags of rice and sugar we provided them, i didn't dare look into their eyes after the first hand-shake. they were grateful beyond words. all they could do was look into your eyes to tell you how gratified they were due to the language barrier between us. thats when words don't matter anymore..i guess.

:) i think i need these regular doses of voluntary work to always keep me reminded of how simple life is and what difference can a little action make. this trip really set the year in a very appropriate tone and i'm just so glad i was part of it, even though it was simply a 1-day activity.

真的是新年快乐。因为我真的很快乐 :)

2009-12-21T00:57:00.003+08:00

the hope home website has been stagnant since May.. i hope nothing has gone wrong.

anyway, i was just on facebook looking at lishian's OCIP Vietnam photos..

i think i need to learn to be able to let go of things/people better. or not each OCIP will have me ending up wallowing about how much i miss the kids.. the emotional attachment, emotional rollercoaster and everything are too much to bear. just look at kolkata. the only OCIP trip i have done so far... and now moving on 3 years later, i still wish to go back (again)..really miss the place, the children, the things we do too much. but if i want to be more active in CIP activities i guess i just have to change this part of me. i will be meeting more people, more children..and i cant possibly be spending my life thinking/missing/feeling so sad that i cant see them again kinda thing.

i only wish that. .my body gets better. thats the premise of everythinggg.

i need a healthy body to do more CIP! cant even do kettling this year due to back and leg problems.

i'm looking forward to an exciting uni life. one that i can be involved in all the activities i want to, not restraint by my health problems. i'm just trying to imagine myself on this really cool expedition, or travelling to other places to do OCIP.. running a marathon (HAHAHA WHEN THIS DAY COMES....THAT WILL REALLY BE SOMETHINGGG!) ..

i'm trying on a new treatment right now, so for the last time, PLEASE CURE ME ALRIGHT.

i'm looking forward to a day i can go out to play all day without having to apply counterpain and whatever medical oilment i have. part of the reason why i enjoy staying at home so much is that my back and legs get the relief they need. however happy and fun i enjoy outside always ends up with a heavy compensation by the ache and pain by my back and legs so.. this explains for my 宅女 behaviour.

just let this period be over soon.

man i hate to say this, but i miss hope home.

2009-12-19T20:18:00.002+08:00

:D as testament to how mundane my life has been this week, movie marathon was by far the most exciting event. (...no childcare this week you see :( haha)

lets see. we watched..5 movies. i fell asleep watching Hitman halfway..and then woke up to watch chengkoon's favourite South Park episode. THIS GUY IS SICK. okay this is no news but. seriously. who watches cartoons on who can come up with the biggest crap (and i mean shit) on earth??!!!!

i honestly cannot remember what i have been doing for the rest of this week. right..other than going for treatment every single day.. and going home to sleep the entire afternoon away after treatment because somehow it makes me reallyyy tired.

so here's what my life will look like starting from next week.

EVERYDAY - 推拿 treatment

EVERY MON, WED AND FRIDAYS - 气功 for the sick

i'm wondering how many sick people i will be meeting haha. a gathering of sick people..sounds...mm.

i'm facing a whole great deal of inertia when it comes to doing sth meaningful at home. i cant even get myself out of the sofa to pack my notes still strewn all over my room. not to talk about sitting down to make xmas cards and belated birthday cards for the kolkata kids..

cheers to a more exciting week next week!

2009-12-12T01:05:00.002+08:00

CHILDCARE CHILDCARE CHILDCAREEEE

one of my most wonderful days of my life this year HAHA!

children just do wonders, i wonder why.

i'm seriously considering a career along this route. it seems to be the only thing that excites me and fills me with so much joy. sometimes i wish i could stop time. i always quite pretty upset when i see children grow up from their innocent phase and morph into young adults. i know i know its only the inevitable. but i just love them too much in their purest untainted form. when they start speaking like adults its no fun anymore.

how children find delight and excitement in the simplest things in life never fails to amaze me :)

2009-12-08T23:01:00.002+08:00

muscle ache from feet to upper back.

me: why is my arm suffering from muscle cramp after prom?

sis: maybe your clutch was too heavy HAHA

the best moment of the night was probably when i stepped foot at my house with my bare feet carressing the floor. HEELS CAN GO AND DIE. my feet are swollen like some charshaobao now i can see the veinnnnssss threatening to pop out soon. and my EYES. the mascara was so super sticky i couldnt get it off the entire night. and i couldnt figure out how to do so. so i ended up sleeping with the mascara still on -.- and only applied some oil to remove it upon my mum's brilliant advice. and i think the oil got into my eyes and i havent been able to open it wide since morning. hence one night of prom has cost me immobile and partially blind for an entire day today hooray.

actually i could already picture this perfect scene months ago. but it just felt 'not right' not to attend prom huh. figured that prom = cam whore. so if cameras werent invented, would prom still be prom?

to sum it all up, i dont really enjoy dolling up seriously. my weird thing with buying nice clothes and end up not wearing them HAHA. from what i have observed, making up becomes an addiction. many people (at least those around me and those i see from tv) have been making up their entire adulthood and cant even pluck up the courage to step out of house without make up on. i think thats insane! when people get used to your 'perfect' look its hard to conceal their disappointment when they see your natural look.

guess i inherited my mum's genes totally! i have aunties who love dolling up, trying to influence me in their ways ever since i was young. buying nice dresses and skirts for me only hoping i will wear them but i never did until 12?!! hahaha there was a period i went into a 'tomboy' mode and scorned at any dresses and skirts. being in wushu i never really cared about a girl's posture and decorum.. so i always got it badly when i wasnt sitting the 'right' way as a girl when i was young. but my mum was never bothered. my aunties were the ones getting pretty freaked out by my actions but my mum was real nonchalent about it and she allowed me to continue to be in my ways. my mum has never been one who loves dolling up either. she probably puts on make up thrice a year. twice for Chinese New Year and once for a random wedding dinner. well thats why i have to mug youtube to learn make up. i swear my mum's worse than me in make up!

well we are all gonna become an old hag in years to come, and then end up being a bag of bones just like anyone else, whether you are pretty/handsome or not.

decent clothes to me = polo tee and comfy long pants. i guess the rest of the 'nice clothes' will continue to be stuck in the deep depths of my wardrope until i feel real comfortable in them. i wonder why my mum and i bought them in the first place?!?

2009-11-27T18:46:00.003+08:00

i actually dont know whats gotten into me that im posting at such a rapid rate.

just wanna say. i miss nanyang guzheng terribly.

was just reading the 06-08 guzheng posts. as the years go by, i will be more and more distant from nygz..and in just 1 year's time, when i go back to nygz, only linlaoshi and zhenglaoshi will recognize me. and now i can totally find myself sympathizing for once with what Mahathir said (caught it on History Channel that day)- when you find yourself nurturing something with all your heart, as if its your baby, you find it hard to let go even when you are supposed to. and perhaps i just havent found something else to replace the void.

was surprised by how at ease i was with nygz. noted that every post started with 'hello dears, hello darlings' ending with 'will miss you guys for 2 weeks without practices'. okay for some it may be abit mushy whatsoever, but it truly reflected my affection for this family in many ways.

i'm really very blessed (: not many can look back at their cca times with such fond memories so close to the heart!

hopefully the gz alumni can seek to fill this emptiness haha ;D

2009-11-27T17:08:00.002+08:00

mm. i realized i havent really grown in the past 2 years.

abit too late. not till i realized that og times was 2 years ago. the end of 07 and start of 08 was probably the period i started to re-evaluate alot of things in life, and make a conscious effort to strive to become a better person each day. but i think i have stagnated after 2 years. just cant believe 2 years just flew (is there a word that can describe something even faster than 'fly') past. the concept of time is real fascinating.

Terror in Mumbai

2009-11-23T16:58:00.002+08:00

I managed to catch the documentary 'Terror in Mumbai' last night on the Discovery Channel at 12am and it left me sleepless.

I couldn't have been able to imagine the intensity of the fear of those people taken hostages until I got to see for myself the real-life accounts of those who escaped the clutches of death. Even as a viewer watching the documentary, the trepidation that I felt just by listening to their accounts and watching the video clips already left me gasping for breath. Every single minute watching the documentary was spent going, "I can't understand why. I can't. I can't" and at the same time trying to calm my nerves. It's just crazy how fear had engulfed me simply by WATCHING what had befallen upon others. Just imagine a few gunmen marching into your room pointing their rifles at you..or just imagine hiding in a corner of the pitch-black room listening to the incessant gun-shots fired outside, not knowing whether you will be alive the next moment..

That was one moment I clearly understood how technology is a double-edged sword. An interview sent over to the CNN by one man hiding in the hotel chamber with many others was broadcasted worldwide. But at the same time, perhaps the world didnt know that the mastermind of the spate of attacks, like everybody else, could have access to this vital piece of information for them to maximize their destruction. The terrorists were now instuctured to stomp into the chamber.

An account by a lady who had survived the attack left me thinking for quite a while. She had managed to escape death by using her black scarf over her dress as a headscarf, deluding the terrorists that she was a Muslim. She said something along the lines that the terrorists were dumb-founded when they saw her using the tap, and wanted to do the same, but they had no idea how a tap works. "They could not even turn on a tap. Yet, with a gun, they could do anything, everything." Her husband was similarly able to escape the gunshots by reciting a verse, the only verse he knew from the Quran to validate that he was a Muslim. They were told to kneel down to pray to God, while everybody behind them were mercilessly fired upon, as blood of the other victims splattered all across them.

It must have been crazy. I was trying to imagine if I was there.. Would I have been able to even withstand the fear?

And i jokingly told my mum that I would have probably died of a heart failure first rather than being shot down by the terrorists. Bravery. Courage. Sacrifice. The words that struck me during the course of the documentary. Hotel managers and waiters risked their lives to protect their guests and stayed back despite having chances thrown before them to escape. These selfless heroes really earn our utmost respect.

Despite catching up with the news of the attacks everyday last year, it never did hit me so hard how torturing and agonizing those hours really were for the people who went through the attacks.

And I'm reminded of the line Liting and I used to say. Wake up every morning, look into the mirror, and be thankful you're still alive.

sweet 18!

2009-11-16T10:49:00.003+08:00

my birthday present by my two dearest friends - ruiqi and van <3

haha its quite subtle i didnt even get it at the first glance! anybody reading this figured it out already?

ruiqi and van know me best la :D looking at the lyrics they came out with says everything already; so representative of me (if we were to neglect the part on van's leopard prints ____ and ruiqi's sexy voice) :P ruiqi if you are reading this...my calf muscles craze has stopped long ago already! so i can still happily 结婚生子 hahaha!

when my surprise attack on van had failed miserably on 6th nov...van and ruiqi managed to execute their plan so well i didnt even expect it seriously!!! kae so i was taking my afternoon nap on a sat afternoon... and had prepared tables and chairs for van who claimed she was coming to study at my house! then van called and asked me to look down from my window?! and the next thing that happened was 2 crazy girls singing 对面的女孩看过来 at the top of their voices at my void deck?!! (for more details go check out the videos on facebook :P)

and when they came out to my house they insisted on presenting their songs before stepping in! the lyrics are damn epic!!!! HAHAHA OKAY i shall flaunt your talents here ok :P

To the tune of 如果的事 chorus:

如果你已经不能控制

每天想我们一次

你的眼睛就会自然湿

如果你上梁CSC

听更多道德经

你的心情就会自然开心

如果你决定跟随感觉

为爱勇敢一次

祝你和** 早生贵子

我们肯定会支持到底

这般恋爱心情

因为你快乐是我们快乐

-------------------------

To the tune of 爱如潮水 chorus: (solo by off-tune Queen (King) Tay Ruiqi!) :

你千万不要整天摸别人的小腿

否则告你非礼就后悔莫及了

从此不必妄想结婚生子了

你千万不要忘记VAN 的 LEOPARD PRINTS BRA

还有 TAY RUIQI SEXY 的嗓音啊

你可知道这样我们会心碎~

HAHAHA i cant help but laugh everytime i watch the video!!! nobody can beat their creativity and craziness seriously! really 不得不爱你们！just makes me sit back and wonder why i could be so fortunate to have such special friends.. and when i look back 10 years down the road, i'll be so glad i have a repository of crazy and beautiful memories to remininisce. and i really love the jacket! :D have just got so much to appreciate these selfless friends - doing so much for me in the midst of A levels. <3

and thankyou to all other friends who wished me things like 早生贵子 and stuff HAHA :P

THANKYOU

lishian

yuqin

yuyu

yukang

xiaohui

rach

chit

lydia

chongtee

taisoon

freddi

siyun

yiding

xiangjie

dory

rachel chng

sheen

char

for your precious SMSes :D

and all those other facebook well-wishes :D

(the only time of the year i have ever been so active on facebook; and the first ever realization that i did not active my 'wall'!!! so i never had a 'wall' for 2 plus years ever since i created my account. how cool is that?! and the first experience using chatting on facebook with ruth HAHA how cool can i still get?!)

becca

linlaoshi

chejian

yehui

jindao

chengxin

ruth

ms kumar

liting

eugene

zhenping

benita

adrian

pohting

joseph

edward

sohweekian

boonyang

sheila

wangxue

bochengkor

jingwei

yichao

kelvin

hope i didnt miss out anyone :D really really appreciate your well-wishes. every birthday has a symbolic meaning of reflection, appreciation and gratitude. and most importantly, to remember how my mummy went through so much pain in labour to deliver me to this place :)

just 1 year ago i was at mother teresa's home. it couldnt have been more meaningful..having spent my birthday doing a lil bit for the children.

moving on 1 year later, i hope i have matured into a better person.. and have learnt to give more than take. its a constant reminder and i cant say i have always been able to do so, but i'm trying. and i hope a year later on this day, i can firmly assert that the past year has been one that has witnessed growth and maturity :)

2009-11-07T01:57:00.002+08:00

失眠的第3天。。。

ever since sec3, every year when it comes to around dec i tend to get amnesia for a couple of days. i have no idea why seriously..

this time round the cycle has arrived too early. ahh i need sleep now pls let me sleeep.

on another note, mummy's gonna get me michael buble's album for my bday :)))))))) have been listening to shanghai jazz music these few days to accompany me through studying. its quite therapeutic. my new-found love now :)

and i just cant believe 9 nov is just less than 2 days away.

way too fast.

2009-10-09T12:59:00.002+08:00

亲爱的眼睛,

PLEASE ALLOW ME TO STUDY....

i have been using my eye drops at such a rapid rate these few days to alleviate my problem of dry eyes. quite frustrating that my eyes have to impede my studying when i am unusually awake now :/

2009-09-17T23:31:00.004+08:00

i should really get down to serious mugging. i'm getting quite appalled by myself :/ argh perhaps its not a very wise time to read 'The Parent's 道德经' at this point of time. it leaves my mind open to so many other things that i feel cooped with what i'm doing right now, which is really quite a big distraction. and the most direct means being the fact that i keep reading it over and over again. it's just so profound and intricate that reading once alone isnt enough..the words take on a different meaning each time i read it. i havent been left in such a state of...amazement for so long. literally everytimne i flip a new page, i'm left stunned and intrigued for at least 30 seconds, and take another minute to digest the depth of the teachings. and end up exclaiming and going 'omg i have never read anything so true'.

let me just quote a few sentences here:

Encourage your children's deepest joys,

not their superficial desires.

Praise thier patience,

not their ambition.

Do not value the distractions and diversions

that masquerade as success.

They will learn to hear their own voice

instead of the noise of the crowd.

If you teach them to achieve,

they will never be content.

If you teach them contentment,

they will naturally achieve everything.

----------------------------------------

i dont think any of the above that i have said can do enough justice to the book... k im gonna get cliche, but argh its beyond description. my language proficiency just doesnt render me the ability to carry the full essence of just how great it is.

真是心灵的一次洗涤 :)

2009-08-27T18:55:00.002+08:00

i think around this time last year, i posted a post on the ares blog to bid farewell to the seniors who were going off for study break and an encouraging note to them to jiayou for As.

oh well how fast; it's our turn now!

anyway, i have been indulging in sporadic moments of happiness that have been hitting me waves by waves these few days. it's really the simplest things that can strike a chord in my heart and leave it glowing for the many hours to come. really the simplest. just a simple appreciation and sincere gratitude to life does the job :) friends readily giving up their seats to me, helping me get some food, meeting teachers who show an exceptional amount of concern to me - with zhanglaoshi rattling on about how i should take good care of my health the first thing he saw me, meeting my favourite teachers and catching up after so manyyy years and find ourselves reminiscing the good old memories (MRS NG!) and the list goes on and on and on.

deriving joy over these seemingly mundane matters that many conveniently ignore can make a positive difference. afterall, isn't it always better to blow happiness into bigger proportions rather than the reverse? i think i'm keeping a rather healthy state of mind given all the stress and stuff. sometimes there are indeed too many concerns and temporary troubles that may hit along the way, but i guess i'm doing quite a good job with the art of 自我调整 by choosing to focus on the things that make me contented instead :D hoorays :D

today i saved a worm

2009-08-23T13:45:00.000+08:00

today,

i saved a worm.

i saw a pathetic worm hanging precariously on a strand of a spider's web drooping down from a tree. i thought that the worm was struggling hard to escape; at least that was what i had inferred. so i conveniently took out my time magazine - which never came in so handy before, and smacked that strand hard enough for it to be broken. and by then, the worm was wiggling around the concrete path, perhaps, looking at me with much gratitude and delight. on my side, i was beaming with satisfaction with what i have done - despite getting weird stares from passers-by at someone who was jumping in mid-air waving her time magazine up and down. but it was only a few second later when it struck me that i had just caused a mass destruction to the spider's fruit of labour and its source of food. it must have hated me.

it's really a tough case to debate what would be the right thing to do. the most instinctive thing that came to mind was to release the helpless worm from the tangles of the web in order to prevent it from being devoured. but hey, i had just poked my finger in and somehow toppled the equilibrium of how nature works. the worm could have been saved in this incident, but what about the next? i could have saved this worm, but what about the next? but irrefutably, i have inflicted unnecessary harm to an innocent spider which was only dutifully carrying out its duties to ensure its own survival.

sometimes good intentions bring about unintended consequences. it's also a matter of a struggle of the emotions and the logic. emotionally, i think i would have been troubled over the fact that i did not do anything that could have saved that poor worm throughout the entire bus ride. but logically, its a different matter altogether. this conflict really set me thinking. through the process i got to reveal slices of myself that i had not consciously noticed before. perhaps my perspectives and judgement have always been steered towards the emotional-side. maybe it's time i take a step backwards to process things in a more logical and practical light. but then again, i shouldn't try too hard. i can always attempt to form a more 'balanced' point of view, but ultimately, what i feel more inclined towards shape me into who i really am. taking into consideration of the other point of view is desirable, but i guess it shouldn't be the case of forcing me to change myself. :)

2009-07-26T13:47:00.003+08:00

HELLO i have thought of a list of birthday presents which will be of utmost practical use to me. so hint hint to anybody reading this!

Buy me boxes of eyedrops. I'm currently using 'Tears Naturale Free' from Alcon. Haha you know the one with re-closable multi-dosed vial. I need ALOT of them :D

Or you can buy me more 'pain-a-trate' to use. I have since substituted 'counter pain' with this. It doesnt burn my skin that much :) It's like my best friend already.

Or you can buy me more more more salon-pas alike plasters for me :) Hahaha but i only use the brand '898' which incorporates infrared technology and chinese herbal medicine! :0

But this is so working against the principle of 'The Secret'! But the truth is indeed that they are probably the things of most practical usage to me. But again, i would prefer it if they are out of my life. Oh well.

Stuck in the dilemna between choosing which treatment to continue.

如果相信它，我不是很无知？

但如果它真是能治得了我，我不相信，我岂不是更无知？

2009-07-22T22:04:00.002+08:00

HAHAHA my mum came back from school, and said sorry to my sister.

she has just learnt in school that many children under the age of 7 are not equipped with the ability to count. apparently, she punished my sis by making her count green beans when she was around 5-6years old because she made mistakes in the math questions that required simple counting. and now she's being all encouraging and speaking to us with words of love and support all the time, sometimes to the extent of talking to us in a manner like we are 5 years old, which is really quite funny!! she says she's applying what she has learnt on us first. -.- well i have been imagining how my childhood would have turned out so differently if my mum actually learnt this before we were born LOL haha :D

2009-07-18T09:46:00.003+08:00

at this moment i wish that i can stop hearing my eyelids flapping up and down whenever i blink. maybe i need to turn to a more expensive brand of eyedrops :/ i think its absolutely amazing how my sis gets so freaked out when i ask her to come close enough to hear my eyelids flapping due to the lack of moisture in my eyes haha. XD i seriously hope i can do something constructive today before i leave the house at noon.. jiayou, my eyes!

2009-07-17T22:58:00.002+08:00

"Let us rise up today and be thankful, for if we didn't learn alot today, at least we learnt a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."

:))))

2009-07-07T01:02:00.007+08:00

i have been thinking about it again today. as usual, those emotions all came rushing back again, leaving my heart with a portion dug out. perhaps i've really been surrounded with too much love that i find it really hard to live with such a feeling lingering. this makes me wonder, really..how do people get into an emo-state for such a prolonged period of time? i usually can't take it even if it bugs me for a day or so, and try all means to get myself bouncing back. i was just contemplating about the series of events that unrolled. sometimes i wonder if things were in fact meant to turn out that way and should i perceive it as a blessing in disguise? at one point i was lamenting to myself how life makes a fool out of you. in a vain attempt to prevent my closest friend from getting hurt, i was the one that ended up being pricked by betrayals and distorted truths. at one point of time i was indeed stuck in a dilemna and i gave a serious thought over whether i should continue to maintain close friends and share whatsoever feelings and thoughts i have with them, or should i adopt a more detached style while making friends, having a wide circle of friends, and being cautious not to over-reveal my thoughts too much with anyone. i have never wondered/doubted/questioned whether a close friend i regard in the present will ever end up turning against me in the future. living in that moment allows me to cherish whoever i have around me with the most earnest sincerity and love. i also tend to share almost all my thoughts and feelings, uncensored, to a particular close friend because i believe that she is in a good position to understand me well enough, to know why i form such perspectives. but revealing my thoughts uncensored to even one person only was enough to put me in a position vulnerable to unfair judgement when she decides to frame my thoughts through a third person's perspective, leaving it open to misunderstandings to so quickly occur with many things lost in translation. after bearing the brunt of it all i contemplated if i should ever reveal my truest self to anyone, unreserved, uncensored. well, i derived at my own conclusion and moved on. it was only until the talk with vic that day that got me started on this train of thoughts again. we were discussing on the exact issue surrounding my dilemna one or two years back. it is undeniable that letting anyone walk to close to our hearts and to know too much about ourselves risks getting ourselves hurt even more. this was exactly what i had experienced. but i don't think that should deter one from creating personal bonds with anyone else in future and to maintain a 'detached' style to anyone. true, it does risk us getting hurt, but without which, it also denies of the chances to forge inexplicable bonds with truly special people around us. afterall, betrayals and conflicts dont happen all the time. admittedly, i have been affected by the incident, and i do not reveal 'too' much.. but i do not err to the other side of the extreme by building an imaginary boundary around myself. i almost cannot fathom a life where there is no one there to call/sms me to show me random signs of concern, and for me to do the same too, and a life where there is absolutely no one for me to have HTHT sessions. to me, that becomes part of life's tragedies.

i have since decided to take the 'middle path' to prevent all the hurt and all. but, i do not regret what i have done. i couldn't possibly have just stood by to witness such a close friend plunging herself deeper and deeper, skiding off in a direction which would ultimately hurt her. that was only right. it had subjected me to a series of misunderstandings, leading to judgements passed on me and it goes on.. i find solace in the fact that i had done the right thing, nothing like what others have so easily 'assumed' and misunderstood, and my belief that karma exists. i don't intent to clear up the misunderstandings to people who have so easily jumped to conclusions because i don't seek their understanding. to a particular someone, i guess you have only made me stronger. so thankyou for all the hurt, and i swear i'm not saying it with any hint of sarcasm.

2009-06-28T20:51:00.007+08:00

i feel an urge to post despite the fact that i'm pretty unprepared for this blocks and i should be mugging my head off now.

on friday i made a trip to the asian civilisation musuem with my mum to look at the kangxi exhibition. 康熙盛世! and the main point being..i looked through the entire exhibition in a wheelchair provided by acm! hahaha i think that would be my second time being in a wheelchair; the first time when i was seven and has severe gastric problems, vomitted some blood during chinese new year and was admitted to hospital straight when i sat on a wheelchair. the facilities at acm are really wheelchair-friendly. from the toilets, to the doors, to the spacious walkways - all of them were designed to suit the needs of a wheelchair! lol but the reversing and turning of the wheelchair got me pretty giddy afterwards :/ but i wouldnt mind that for the very fact that my legs were 'saved' from the horrible walking.

all thanks to my legs i havent been out for a trip to shop/relax at all this hol. the only times i went out was to sit for PSC test, make my passport at ICA, send my phone for repair on the same day, going to my cousin's bday party (alot of kidsss :P), going for treatment, going to woodlands lib to mug, and mm genting. went to woodlands lib a few times this hol to mug after realizing my inability to focus at home for the first 2 weeks. finally crawled out of my lil world and suffered from a shock knowing all the hc ppl in the lib have been going to the lib almost any other day to mug since the start of hols :/ genting was a short but much needed trip for me :) despite that my legs suffered a great deal bcos of the weather there, it was a good breakaway. and wearing the backbrace was nothing short of comfortable precisely because of the weather, unlike the hot and humid weather here which gets me sweating 100 more times with the brace on. oh well its contradictory! got to play with a few cousins from taiwan who kept me entertained 3/4 of the time :))))) finally mustered enough courage to sit on the thrilling rides and was pretty amazed by myself hahaha. mum and dad went to watch feiyuqing concert while sis and i ventured into the theme park by ourselves. got lost upteenth times and were freaked out by the dark and eerie corners in the theme park! kae other than that i have really got nothing much to talk about my hols because that is precisely how uneventful this hol was haha :) but i'm just glad i got a much needed break - something i had looked so forward to since april! i am contented enough just to have a break from the usual routine and demands. and now it's back again.. mm oh well.

.. i really shouldnt be here. blocksssss...

2009-06-24T16:27:00.002+08:00

kudos to me for bouncing back in less than 10hours :D

all's well again! :D

2009-06-24T16:27:00.000+08:00

kudos to me for bouncing back in less than 10hours :D

all's well again! :D

2009-06-23T23:13:00.002+08:00

hi blog i havent abandoned you yet. have been posting at xanga more often though. i dont know what was the trigger and i really dont know why i have been missing ergu mummy so much. it was so bad i actually cried my way to sleep on the first night in the hotel at Genting argh. i ended up sleeping at 3am on the first night. i dont know what was the trigger. and since then i have been kinda down at certain times here and there, not always, but enough to set me apart from my usual self. perhaps i havent been as occupied as i am usually, which left a vacuum for these emotions to take over. its two and a half years. i JUST realized. i learnt that some pain can just never be erased, no matter how long it is. i dont know how true is the saying 'time heals everything'. i just wanna get over this horrible feeling soon.

and then it was problem number 2. actually it has been more or less buried..okay not really. the very fact that i wanted to bring it up again to clarify matters actually suggests that it has been bugging me quite alot. and since the revelation day it takes over my mind when i'm not thinking of anything. i think i just cant bring myself to believe that it was true. oh well the pain has already been caused; just dont let it be any more pronounced. perhaps what i have learnt was to keep things ambiguous and appreciate why 'ignorance is bliss'. maybe i'd have better off being kept in the dark.

just need to learn to get less affected. things are always changing, so are relationships and people. i cant expect relationships to remain constant. okay so cheer up :)

2009-06-09T10:37:00.002+08:00

REJOICE because kangxi exhibition has been extended till 26 JUNE :)))))) which means i wouldnt need to miss it due to my bai kah leg XD

AND ASIAN CIVILISATION MUSUEM PROVIDES A..WHEELCHAIR!!!!!!!

2009-05-10T23:54:00.002+08:00

it only struck me that i have not visited the hope home page ever since nov last year when i read lydia's blog half an hour ago..i dont exactly know how to describe my current mood right now. its mixed in pride - for the achievements the children have attained, and also with hints of heartache after reading the 'special issues' that gave an account on the lives of a few individual children before they were accepted into hope home. having already experienced the traumatising fact of having to know the wrecked childhoods that these children had 3 years back when i went for my first cip trip, the stories of these children never cease to grip my heart so tightly. it's the sheer inability to know that these lovable kids before our eyes had to go through such trauma beyond the reach of our imagination. the account on gideon's past gripped me so much i could not stop crying. i'm just glad, so glad, that this beautiful child managed to escape his haunting past. i always wonder if the past still haunts them. the optimism and cheerfulness that they exude makes them all the more to be respected and to be learnt from from so so many of us here.

thanks to lydia's post, i got all sentimental and emotional again. :/

time to stop crying seriously!

2009-04-23T22:31:00.002+08:00

nevermind the fact that i have a csc essay due tmr which i havent started writing yet..

i'm looking forward to the weekend!!!! reason being i can finally play the guzheng for maybe more than 2 hours :D during the fac outing period i hardly had any time to touch my guzheng bcos i couldnt possiby start playing the guzheng at 9plus 10 or even 10plus after i reach home at that time. now its getting addictive after i've stopped for such a long period. maybe the whole syf spirit and particularly the judge's feedback - on how and why we should continue in the learning and apppreciation of guzheng being such a unique instrument which embodies both elements of gentleness and strength, and how the learning of this instrument can change our characters for the better. i guess it was a very strong motivation for me to get back to guzheng after neglecting it for quite some time, and so i called lianlaoshi to arrange for a time to go for lessons. i think i must've been his worst and laziest student. i havent been going since the start of this year?!

mmm time to stop ranting; csc time.

2009-04-21T20:28:00.002+08:00

sense of pride just swelling up :)

i love nanyang guzheng <3

the juxtaposition of these 2 events just had to reinforce what i had been feeling all along. no where else do i feel so comfortable, confident and at ease speaking to so many people; to make my voice be heard. no where else would i give in my ALL so much. i guess thats what drives shuhui and i back to look at them all the time.

as quoted from shuhui :)
"visiting you guys never fail to remind me how much i miss guzheng ensemble & nanyang... ...the stress,the practices, the crazy moments, laoshi's high-ness,the smile&tearss... i just know that i'm missing every single bit of these wonderful memories. "

i really look forward to the next time when i can play a piece with my wonderful gz mates. playing alone at home just doesnt feel the same.

nygz truly deserved that GWH :D

2009-04-10T23:02:00.002+08:00

there's only oneeee wish on my mind.

HEALTHY BODY.

sigh i'm kinda tired of being immobile. my legs are really as useless as they can be now. i have gotten used to the permanent muscle cramps that have been with me since sec4? i dont know one day i sat down and realized that i was having muscle cramp despite not being involved in any intense physical activity and it has been with me since then. so learning to live with a permanent muscle cramp has been a feat, but okay i have since learnt how to. things get worse when i overstrain my legs (meaning standing or walking for more than an hour). what follows is intense intense pain that grips my knees, and strain at my soles - almost like 2 forces pulling my soles in opposite directions, and finally the extreme 酸 feeling that runs througout my legs. but things can get weirder when i realize i havent even been walking for long, yet suffer from another kind of pain. the usual muscle cramps are still there, abit worse than the norm, coupled with a strain that runs from my pelvis to the leg. i dont know how many million times of acupuncture sessions and how many zillion needles need to be poked into my body for me to recover seriously. sigh i'm whining again :( i really dont wish for anything else, but my health. i have been flooding the place with deluge of tears everytime during acupunture sessions. it's freaking embarrassing to cry infront of so many strangers and having my mummy to wipe those tears and comfort me like a little child. oh well. good training to build up pain trashhold.

i just recalled dexter asking me why do i always fall sick. lol since i haven't recovered, i dont always fall sick, but rather perpetually sick. not the usual fever or flu but the long term problems that may not cause me bed-ridden but actually sucks quite alot of life out of me everyday. the doctor praised me and said that i am one tough girl :) he is surprised at my ability to study and cope with my tasks despite having these problems in my body. and i'll continue surprising him by being able to manage my life and studies even better! but i would like to imagine life without my health problems - attend PE lessons! (even though many ppl choose to pon cos its pretty sian, but i really wish i could attend :/), go running (i havent run for almost 2 years already?!!), no eyedrops, no need to rely on honey to push all the weariness away, indulge in all the ice cream and cold drinks in the world, drink soya bean milk, eat bean curd, go mountain climbing, go back-packing around the world, go shopping for 8 hours straight and get rid of counterpain HAHA! this day will arrive; i'll be optimistic :))) i wont be like this forever i'm sure :) mummy wont have to bring me to acupuncture sessions all the time, dont have to spend so much money for my treatment and medicine, dont have to brew medicine for me everyday..sigh i just realized what burden i have been to my mum. i would really get struck by lightning if i'm not a good girl.

pain pain go away,

and dont come back ever again!

2009-03-28T22:14:00.005+08:00

hi world! mm and so i gave sao mu a miss last sunday due to my unbearable pain :/ i'm hoping to follow my dad and mum for sao mu again tmr. according to them, this place which they'll be going to tmr is somewhere 'deep in the forest'. i have never been there before, because since young they have never encouraged children to go there as we become more of a hindrance than anything else. but now that i have grown older, they still throw me with the same reason. hmm. okay. so i shant go, and will turn up for yoga lessons instead then.

i crashed apollo's fac outing with wk just now. haha, thanks ruiqiiiiiii for saving our stomachs by providing us with her junior class's leftovers. got to make new friends from other fac comm who went down with the same purpose as wk and i xD the ultimate spies of the night! the movie was really hilarious. too bad i had to leave early! i'll probably rent it or sth :D

12 days to ares fac outing! the final dash; so let's make it right.

somehow in this year i find myself yearning for more personal space in solitude. many times i feel so embroiled in the mundanity of life.. so many times thoughts of fleeing to a corner of the world where life is as slow as the pace of my footsteps crossed my mind. mm.

i miss the times i'd erupt into sporadic laughters here and there in ny - when life was equally stressful as compared to now, yet somehow i felt more 'whole' and that my life was painted with a diversity of things. not that i'm in depression now, no no dont get me wrong. but i havent been feeling those excessive spurts of high spirits for quite long, and i do miss them alot. urgh dont elude me plss. the lack of engagement in retarded things with friends i guess.

classmates or people who know me in hc dont link retardedness and craziness to me. and its hard to make them believe that i was really quite crazy back in ny. even rach cant believe it. HAH. there are really a multitude of sides one can portray. and sometimes i get quite confused with myself also! i could be really really jovial and i dont have any reservations in the engagement of retarded things. i remember how i liked to show off my 'ballet skills' in gz despite getting shot down by the rest. and the thousands of world's-stupidest-acts i got myself into with ruiqi being the mastermind behind all of those. but i could easily morph into one that was strict and fierce (till tongzhen trembled when she opened my mail -.-) i must say it was a very good balance. people do change and my change is a result of maturation (i guess), the inculcation of dizigui values that taught me to be more placid..and simply the lack of a suitable environment!

hist lesson on thurs turned out to be a kbox sesson. when i heard 'dark blue' my heart just tensed up for a moment and it was just way toooo nostalgic. 'DARK BLUE DARK BLUE~~~~' van do you remember!!!!!!!!! omg van even video-ed it down >< maybe if i show it to rach she will see why i say i had my retarded side! thurs and fri were really fun due to the presence of hilarious people in my class. i think the videos will keep me in accompany in times of sadness and they will be my best remedy!

I WILL GET BACK MY SENSE OF 'WHOLENESS' SOON. and learn to stay optimistic and not let my spirits be dampened by external factors - thats realllyyyyyyy important for now.

2009-03-28T22:14:00.004+08:00

2009-03-28T22:14:00.003+08:00

i have been a grumpy old lady today. my backache hit so badly that i couldnt fall asleep until 3.50am. urgh i'm still suffering from very bad cramps now. just when i succumbed to the temptation of yakult fresh out of the fridge, it had to come the next day and now i'm bearing the horrible consequences. omg i'm really grumpy. and what happened today totally didnt help at all.

okay to distract myself from the pain, i shall talk about sth else. i went down to republic poly with shuhui on wed for guzheng's syf rehearsal. i think there are many more things which have to be improved on, and if they can be done, i can't imagine how great they will turn out to be. i badly wanted to go down to nygz to help with sectionals today, but couldnt make it due to fac cip :/ i dont know how many times i have said this, but i miss conducting sectionals. i miss immersing myself in music, and i guess thats my motivation for visiting nygz so often these past months. nygz jiayou :)

mm lets talk about earth hour! my mum was very enthusiastic about supporting earth hour. we lit ikea candles all around the house and she was rushing frantically to finish bathing by 8.29pm! and so i spent my earth hour listening to the recording i had of gz's rehearsal on my bed. was carefully listening to the pieces and tried to make my own interpretation of them. i can only say, linls is great. the song choices leave me amazed, still!

清明节又到了。。我还记得小时候妈妈叫我背诵《清明》。对我而言，我总以为其他小孩子也一样，都会朗诵唐诗。直到我小三那年，课本里的一堂课是关于清明节，因此华文老师给了我们一项任务 - 把《清明》背起来，下一堂课默写。顿时，全班同学集体抗议，还告诉老师那是不可能的任务。我才发现原来我这一代的孩子已很少与唐诗宋词有接触，很庆幸妈妈从小注重我们的华文教育。妈妈的理念跟李资政一样，即使英文不赖，也选择和我们用华语沟通。现在看到李资政积极鼓励父母使用华语和孩子沟通，妈妈开心得不的了。我本身是个很好的例子！即使在家里说了那么多年的华语，从小听中国民间故事长大，也时常朗诵诗歌。。但一正式入学，当科目都已英文教学，使用华文的机会也越来越少。现在的我，变得比较习惯使用英语交谈，英文表达能力也胜于华文。是时候把小时候的那本唐诗宋词的本子那出来，复习一下近几年被我遗忘，但却是陪伴着我的童年的诗歌了。还记得小时候我每晚都会吵爸爸讲故事，而爸爸说来说去只懂得讲司马光的故事哈哈！哇，简单一个清明节引发了那么多的感触！华语，谁怕谁！

2009-03-16T23:51:00.000+08:00

i must have been fortunate enough that my heart didnt stop skipping.

2009-03-14T00:47:00.002+08:00

it's been so long since i had the time to slack for 24 hours straight which i did today!!! :DDDD

life has been so hectic, and i find myself doing the same routine everyday for so many weeks i'm getting tired of it, really. and this is the reason why i dont foresee myself sitting in front of the com doing the mundane 9-5 job. it'll really kill me i'm serious. i grow sick of hectic lifestyles. when i come home feeling all weary and tired and it doesnt help that i get tired very easily due to health reasons...and having to drag myself to accomplish my work and everyday its a struggle to keep my eyes open to study. sometimes i always wonder how i was able to cope with cca and schoolwork in sec4 during the oh-man-i-actually-survived-period. somehow i could just balance both perfectly well. i dont remember compromising on any one of them and in fact, i performed best in that period in my academics. i dont know why but i feel a strong sense of tiredness and for the first time, jaded? learning hasnt been exactly exciting for the past 1year and 3months. it's not that anybody has a choice since ultimately A levels is what that matters, and hence the need to drill us enough to prepare us for examinations. but this is when i miss the IP times.. the times we got to explore many concepts through movies, debates and excursions. i particularly miss lang arts and history..and maybe even ih because lessons were simply relaxing. history being my favourite subject, sadly hasnt been bringing that much joy to me as it previously had. i remember my enthusiasm and passion everytime i spoke about history especially to my juniors. how much i tried to influence them and they eventually changed their subject combination from geog to history(!!! :D) how i offered to give them history tuition just to hope that they will consider taking history :) personally i dont have much inclination towards the things we are learning for A levels. oh well. i cant wait for A levels to be over, and i can fulfill my promise of watching all the war-time movies on my list and spending many many days in the bookstore.. and doing many many many other things that light up my life and bring me more joy.

i want to wander to a far away land; somewhere of serenity and peace..somewhere where the pace is slow, as slow as the pace of my walking. i think i'd be happier :)

nonetheless..despite feeling slightly tired and bored of the routine, i do find joy :) find joy in breathing, in being able to have my next meal, and my next next next meal, in having such a wonderful family, and dear friends that matter alot to me and actually the list goes on and on. i was struck by words my sis said to me just now. something that is known, but never made so explicit. she was telling me about this story, where person A ordered person B to kill B's own brother, or that B would lose his life if he didnt do so. and she said, "telling me to kill you would be equivalent to killing myself. i would rather kill myself than to kill my jeh jeh." afterwhich i felt very very loved... :) life is still full of beauty. now it's really up to me to open my mind to appreciate these little things in life to make up for my lack of appreciation for the routine that will kickstart again soon.

this post is full of contradictions oh man. rambling rambling rambling.

ending off with a smiley :)

2009-02-28T12:51:00.002+08:00

the past 2 weeks havent been the most pleasant weeks due to my irritating cold and cough bothering me everyday. and sometimes i cough so hard i feel like vomitting. havent been getting enough sleep due to my inability to finish my homework fast enough, and also spending much of my time searching for places for fac outing. basically called almost every place i could find - any indoor/outdoor area but mannnn.

so POP has ended..and ares didnt win for the 4th year. it was a minute of sheer disappointment and even to the point heartache when the results were announced and you realize that aresians werent the ones jumping and screaming their lungs out. as how karmun puts it..we're not used to it. which i think is very very true. its more like a matter of expectations and hopes. as much as i know that one cannot always win, and we have to deal with failures, that minute was pretty hard to bear. how the heart just sank right deep down but just fought hard not to reveal that face of disappointment.

but all was well after the music started again after revelation of results and everyone just danced to to all the 4 faculty dances. i enjoyed myself, really. and then i truly truly realized the essence of enjoying it, more than winning it. i guess winning is just a bonus after all :) albeit after everything ended a tinge of lil disappointment crept in while i was just gazing outside from the taxi, but much more importantly, ares had fun :D and after reading van's post on how the group of 30 aresians danced at the central plaza with all their enthusiasm, that's all that matters, isnt it? :)

2009-02-07T20:23:00.002+08:00

looking at the j1s having their orientation just makes me reminisce so much about my og :( ahh i really miss 29! i think it's quite a feat that we actually do keep in contact now, though not all, and that we still continue celebrating each other's birthday :D 29 is really a sweet bunch of people and the memories forged with 29 were really one of my best moments in hc till now. i remember the crazy times when we went out to have dinner almost every single day and we still stuck tgt and went out so often after we were split into our classes! and also the times we stayed at beauty world macs to play cards till 1am after campfire. alot of people say that og is a very superficial thing because ultimately people only spend 5 days with each other, and so they deny the fact of the existence of real friendship being forged in og. but i think for me, it's different. i made friends with people whom i'm very glad came into my life and i think hc will be very different without these few close friends i made. although maybe nobody from my og will see this, i'm still gonna shout-out to 29! thankyou for the times :D

i'm suffering from immense muscle cramps after dance session :/ my lousy muscles. i hope yoga helps! oh right, i went back to visit nygz today! the syf pieces are really really really (argh lack of better words haha) GOOD. half the battle is won actually. but whether they can win the other half really depends on how far they can push themselves to achieve to the best of their abilities, and do justice to the 2 beautiful, amazing pieces. going back to nygz everytime makes me relinquish my sense of self-confidence? i guess that's the place i discovered a new side of me, they place i grew so much, and a place that just feels right for me. simply, my comfort zone. i love talking to zhengls as always :D it's so fast it has been 2 years since concert'07 and syf. i miss motivating and taking care of my cca! i was exploring with zhengls about being a leader today.. she's still as funny :D we're gonna set a nygz alumni! and i hope we do keep to our promise of going back every 2 years to perform in gz concerts until we become old hags. nygz jiayou! you guys really have the potential to do you. coupled with the wonderful syf pieces which offer the space to showcase the potential you guys have, i'm very sure you guys can do it!

i still get tired easily, much easier than others. it's time i ought to make decisions again and rmb health is more important than ANYTHING else. i learnt it the hard way. i shall just pray my gastric problem does not act up so frequently. the irregular eating times are causing the death of my gastric!

2009-01-27T17:07:00.002+08:00

it's 大年初二today, and i'm spending my afternoon at home doing meaningful things such as......csc lunwen proposal.. hmm -.- before going down to my relative's place at night. i think this is the first year which i have decided to stay at home in the afternoon and not joining my relatives since afternoon. because my only entertainment to go there will be to play with my cousins. speaking of that, i do have alot of amusing videos in my handphone that really can be the best remedies if i'm in a sour mood. but really apart from that, i find myself stoning at the cushion and its worse when the tv cant provide me with enough entertainment. my extended family loves playing cards, but it's unfortunate that my family doesnt, and so we stone alot everytime they all gather around the big table to play cards. :/

school has started for 2 weeks. i sense the momentum, and i must keep that momentum going all the way!!! math test was HAHA. one word - disastrous. csc proposal has been rather tiring and i find myself spending hours and hours and hours just reading information and pdf files, and this is when i havent even settled for a topic yet :/ i just hope it turns out fine. but right now i'm dead beat just by staring at pdf files for a few hours. but wanglaoshi is just great. actually i shouldnt be complaining abt the amount of info i have to read because he actually went to NUS all the way to help me source for the files :) and i have found out that my speed of reading chinese has improved so much within these few days. but seriously i'm so amazed by academics and researchers who bury themselves in books all the time. it requires quite some determination and stamina for me. i really hope i find myself a good enough topic to write a decent enough lunwen. fac dance learning sessions have been pretty fun! although i come back the next day with severe cramps here and there.... haha. i'm liking the dance alot :)

happy cny everyone :)

2009-01-09T00:22:00.004+08:00

i was in an extremely extremely good mood today (van and rach can testify that), and being ultra high even when i was studying...until. hmm my knee pain started to kick in around evening time. i think its the after-effects of the acupuncture. but my mood wasnt that much affected until..... I SAW MY TIMETABLE. i wanna cry now seriously. i dont wanna think about staying back in school for lessons till 5pm on Mon and Tues and 6pm on Thurs. omggggggg :((((((((((((( okay seriously i'm really upset now. my timetable last year sucked enough already. can i just pls hope that there will be a new timetable coming out after the J1s come in and i can have a change of timetable pls. pls put csc in earlier periods if not it's not an easy feat trying to keep ourselves awake esp in csc at 5pm. ARGH i'm feeling extremely disgusted by my timetable!

and now i cant go to mcyc on tues anymore due to ARGH CSC LESSONS. which means i have to go on sat.. which means no time to swim. and having lessons till evening on mon, tues and thurs plus gm on wed, will mean that im only left with friday to see the physician and blah blah.

sighhhhhhh.

courage. i need to search for the courage to bounce back to my optimistic state this morning! i will stop my whining.

2009-01-06T22:39:00.002+08:00

if you would like to see me wail like a baby, you probably should follow me to one of my acupuncture sessions. the fact that i survived 2 hours of torment was too astonishing. everytime that i go through painful treatments, i can't help but think of the millions of people who are trapped in even more serious illness, that require even more painful treatments.

long-lasting relationships are hard to come by. i met up with a few 6res girls on Sunday night after my treatment. it's comforting that many of us are actually clustered in a few schools now, which makes contacting each other much easier.

'Google is now your best friend.' i managed to solve a computer problem today by going through hundreds of google pages. what made me most proud was that i solved it by myself, without my cousin's help. i have always relied upon him on any computer problems, due to the fact that my house is populated with a bunch of IT idiots. that sheer sense of accomplishment. shiok.

like van, i think i'm having back to school anxiety. shucks. i think its made worse because of the fact that A levels is looming closer and closer. all those mugging will all come back again, and i'll embrace that routine and also mug like i've never before. i sensed deja vu looking at my sister when she came back from school on friday. she was utterly worn out, and almost..depressed. haha probably thats a tad too strong, but..you get what i mean. that was exactly how i was like 3 years ago, when i came back from school feeling extremely stressed out by the pile of SIAs that the school has thrown us with on the first day of school. i remembered myself being very stressed out in sec3, because the amountof SIAs were like X 10 of what we had in lower sec and i wasnt doing very well in Math, and so on.

but i think after 3 years i have grown up to deal with stress better. although i must admit i'm feeling stressed about my Math and History test both which i have not started studying yet, i can manage and deal with it. and i so think i should stop writing because writing more only makes me feel more stressed to know that i'm wasting more time doing this rather than completing my econs so i can jolly well start on my History revision!

2009-01-03T01:17:00.002+08:00

actually, i can't believe this, but i'm having post-kolkata blues againnn. i'm taken aback by myself this time round, because i didnt even miss kolkata that much 2 years back. definitely, the emotional attachments are much stronger after this time. it's like a snowball, accumulating more and more emotions as time goes by. somehow i find myself staring into space sometimes, and my mind drifts to think about kolkata again, and then i find myself experiencing this feeling i cant describe. i really cant put it into words. i just miss them too much. i think all these have gone to show one thing. i suck at letting things go. as my mummy would put it, 我放不下。

i went to rachel quek's picasa web album.. and looked through the kolkata photos she took - a few which made me speak to myself in the middle of the night. when i saw the photos, i went, "oh mannnnn". the few photos were candid shots, really candid. i didnt even know those photos existed. those photos were the interactions that sarban and i had. one of the photos was taken when my group had to leave the tutoring session to practise for our cultural performance and ms koh took over us, chasing us out of the classroom. the picture was captured when sarban was looking at me with a slightly pouted face - the classic one. and another one, which was taken when he turned around to look at me during the cultural performance. the photos were very refreshing to me, because i have never seen such a candid one of me being in the photo, with sarban, and together with the most memorable memories.

i finally managed to read 'my sister's keeper' after wanting to do so for so long. i just did my book review on it yesterday. i admire jodi picoult's ability to explore the central issue with such depth and it's simply fascinating.. go read it if you haven't!

i spent 4 hours in front of the com with my cousin aka my big hero to fix my pathetic com. haha, okay now its empowered!! i shall practise The Secret on my com, and have all trust in it that it'll not fail me in any near time to come. hoho probably i should start naming my com, and talk to it (her/him?) like how Jiang Xiaohua does.

I suck at Integration. I dont know how to do almost half of the questions on that in the hol package. I'm at DE nowww. I just hoped i could do math faster. I'm amazed by the amount of time i take to stare at a question, process it, wreck my mind, and finally get down to solving it. When 1 hour passes, and i find myself having completed that little amount of questions, that feeling sucks. Oh well, I just realized I am suddenly starting each sentence with a capital letter. Okay anyway 好样的 i managed to finish GP Issues and Ideas today :)))

nygz sec4s'07 gathering at our baking queen's house tmr! better sleep now, before i fall asleep in lessons at night tmr.

2008-12-24T22:20:00.002+08:00

I came back from Christmas Kettling at Suntec, and endured 45minutes of sheer pain from acupuncture. And right now i'm feeling pretty tired. Thanks Jingying for being Lishian for 2 hours :D It was pretty cool cause we spotted 2 pairs of couples that we know in those 2 hours !

I think i'm gonna spend my Xmas doing my math. Okay i'm still stuck at Maclaurin's. I'm really slow i know, i know. Holidays are just the best time to catch up on sleep. I will set my alarm clock at 7.30am everyday hoping i can wake up early, so i can have more time to do things. But unfortunately my body just doesnt have the determination to do so, and i always end up waking up at 9plus 10.

And i love taking things slowww, just really slow when time permits. I wanna live in a countryside and lead a slow and peaceful lifestyle. Simplicity :)

My eyelids are really heavy. This shall be the first time that i'm sleeping before 11am since i came back from Kolkata. Oh, kolkata.. geesh i just got myself reminded of it again.

2008-12-18T15:19:00.002+08:00

i didnt know it would take me that long to cut 26 christmas trees! i figured it would cost me a bomb to send a card to every kid, if i want to register the mails and so i have decided to give each kid a christmas tree that i cut out so i can just put all the christmas trees together in one big envelope :) i dont think they can receive it on time though. i dreamt of the kids again last night. it always happens when i think of the kids just before i sleep.

my homework is in a pretty screwed up state. i will finish it somehow or rather!

doing christmas kettling has been quite fun. except for the fact that we had to be second hand smokers for 2 hours. its quite saddening to so many youngsters smoking. i think it never hit me that hard, until i stood there for 2 whole hours, looking at an endless flow of people walking to the bin to smoke. and of course we get to see cute kids being extremely elated after they donate :)

i'm looking forward to nygz and royal family gathering! i miss my royal family and all ultimate crazy stuff we did in our dorm. whenever ruiqi and i talk about it we just cannot stop laughing!

oh i finally touched my guzheng in 5months. the last time i went for lesson was in july. i cant really believe i just left it rotting there for so long :/

okay i shall get back to write my christmas messages for the kids!

思念

2008-12-06T23:50:00.004+08:00

思念是一种很玄的东西。。。

我已经很久没有用华文来表达自己了。应该是最近太空闲的关系，我开始思念许多东西。。也十分不习惯一整天赖在家里的感觉。

今天是二姑mummy 去世的第二年了，整整730 天过去了。很快吧？妈妈总是说，你在也好，不在也好，时间还是会继续地走，地球也会继续的转，大家的生活也会继续地过。也就这样，二姑不在的两年也就这样过去了。现在偶尔想起二姑，还是会很伤心，有时夜深人静时，想起她也会落泪。两年前的这一天是我这辈子当中最伤心的一天。那一晚，我把心情写在日记里。现在翻开日记时，都不敢翻到那一页，因为我害怕想到那种感受。以为自己可以克服过去，但其实还没有。那段记忆还是痛的。但幸好，在忙碌的课业当中，我没时间想那么多。

对hope home kids 也一样。这段假期时时刻刻都会想起他们。。但我知道，当忙碌的生活已开始，他们就会变成我记忆的一部分，我也不会时常掀开那一部分的记忆。

妈妈说得对。 “我们一时的施舍，是他们一辈子的牵挂。。。”

这次回去，我能印证这句话。。是真的。两年了，他们没忘记我们。我们在他们心目中的地位还是那么重要。看到moses 差点流泪，我真的很心酸。知道sarban因为我不在而哭，真的很心痛。或许，我不该让自己注入那么多感情。。注入在一个不会长久，可能以后再也没有联系的感情。但这一种感情很特别，很真挚。

2008-12-02T01:18:00.002+08:00

i suddenly miss guzheng alot. i mean, nanyang guzheng. i was looking through my hotmail (my goodness it was down for SOOOOO LONG. i'm annoyed with hotmail okay but that's not the point), and opening the mails during the concert cum syf period in 07. i stared at the mail which was sent out to guzheng2, and i stared and stared, unable to believe that i was the one that composed those mails and sent them out. i think i can understand why tongzhen said she would shiver when she read my mails. i think i did sound harsh and like a lion who was about to swallow them up. haha i'm glad i dont to this to people now. to any guzheng people reading this, i'm really really really really sorry if i had caused irritation, disturbances or any crappy feeling you felt due to the stress i caused upon you all. really really sorry. :(

i miss guzheng. i was listening to the syf songs we played in the concert in the attachment that i opened from a mail linlaoshi sent to me. i miss playing in an ensemble. i miss practising hard together, playing as ONE ensemble. the times we tried hard to rectify our mistakes, the times we sat down together to discuss about the pieces and practising them on imaginary guzhengs, the times we shone on stage, the times we didnt, the times i got stressed out, the times everyone else got stressed up, the times i got so obsessed with perfecting my 三连音 i practised it almost every moment i was free, on the train, tapping my foot, on the bus, in the toilet, and anywhere else i can think of. and going back in time a little, the times we turned off the lights to get into the mood of the song, the times i finally got to understand what playing together as ONE felt..during 临安 in 06, the times 12 crazy girls in guzheng costume got down the cranky bus to push it in the middle of the road, the times we got so happy like it was the happiest moment of our lives because we thought we played so well.

i miss just being busy with guzheng matters, settling this and that. it made me happy even though i was stressed. i miss being in that family. the kind of ease i had speaking to everyone, like we were really a family already, the comfort i had just being in the music room, like everything just fit in so nicely.

i miss 哀江头! i wanna play it with the ensemble now. the last time i did was on 10thmay. i think the memories just keep flooding my mind. better stop here now.

kolkata 08 <3

2008-11-23T22:45:00.010+08:00

actually, i don't know where to start writing from..it doesn't feel as overwhelming as it was in 2006..well because it's the 2nd time already. i think my emotions in 06's were X10 of what i am feeling now..

when i first reached kolkata, as i walked along the path from IITD to hope home on the 2nd day, it felt so surreal and unbelievable. i just couldnt believe this dream of mine for 2 years was in the midst of being fulfilled, and i kept to my promise of going back to see the kids again. i just missed them so much. they're one of the most loveliest people i have met and the ones that forged one of the most beautiful memories with me..

the kids still remember niang :)

and during the 2nd day i found out that they did not receive my letters they were mailed for the past 2 years. oh man the realization was so hard to bear because i put in all my heart into writing those letters for the kids, and i really wanted to let them know someone out there still remembers them and still cares for them. thank goodness they received the handkerchieves and stickers that i asked Ms Chua to bring along during March 07. apparently aunt su only gave them out this easter so they just received the gifts not too long ago. it felt so great to know that they are all holding on to this little gift i have for them..

very much of this trip was expected for me.. i knew how it felt to sleep in iitd, to paint the murals, to teach, to go to the market, to cook, and hence during the trip i didnt feel anything like - WHOAAA. but it was more of slowly enjoying the experience i had before, reliving it again...

this time round we constructed a sheltered walkway from the dining hall to the hope home building, both of which did not exist 2 years ago. things have changed so much after 2 years. i remember the tent at the worksite where we taught, rested and ate our meals. i remember that tiny little alley where we cooked with the presence of millions of houseflies and mosquitoes. i remember eating breakfast at the open area outside our dorms with houseflies hovering above our breads and bhuturas, and having our debrief in the dark at that area everynight. and now we teach in classrooms in the hope home building, cook and have our meals at elijah's house and have our debrief there too. conditions have improved so much so i couldnt really believe i was involved in a cip project as i was resting at the sofa in elijah's house during breaktime. cooking in a house free of houseflies and mosquitoes was so different as well. despite the frequent blackouts and the lack of water supply in elijah's house, it was a million times more comfortable than washing dishes in the dark, having to shine torchlights as we did it. but i thought the 06 experience was definitely much more memorable. the tougher it gets, the better it gets.

the sheltered walkway: before

after!

i did this! this is one of the triangular boards DIY-ed by us thats hung above the pathway :) that was really the best i could do!

and of course, like always, there were classic moments from this trip as well XD

incident number 1 being the cow dung experience. one fine day, as we were having our lunch break in elijah's house, we noticed a cow happily strolling outside elijah's house. some girls got so excited they even rushed out to take pictures of the very cute cow eating the grass outside. and everyone happily ate our lunch, only to find out after lunch that there was this big SPLASH of dung at the area we put our shoes. dont ask me why it was a splash instead of a pile. yingci figured it ate sth wrong and lau sai or sth. and my dear shoe was one of the unlucky ones which had to suffer the fate of being splashed by the cow dung... and hence we added 'cow dung' to the list of possible risks at elijah's house.. -.-

incident number 2 being the istupidlyburntmyeyebrowinthemarketincident. oh my goodnesssssss. lydia lee if you are reading this please stop laughing XD okay, what happened was that.. we were in the market for market experience one day, and we walked by this shop which sells wallet and stuff. so i walked into the shop to look at more things while the rest of my group were standing outside of the shop. what divided the inside and outside of the shop was this shelf. and while i was inside the shop, i was curious to see what my group mates were doing outside and thus i peeped out through the shelf. and then the next moment i realized sth was hit my eyebrow. when i came to my senses(i was in shock), i found out that i banged straight into a burning joss stick that was sticking out from the shelf. and okay, i was like yeah yeah everything's alright.. and ms chen passed me a piece of wet tissue to wipe..and i saw a few black strands of thing sticking onto the wet tissue and i was like..WHAT?! IS THAT MY EYEBROW??!!! and i asked lydia if my eyebrow was burnt, and the next moment she just started laughing hilariously at me -.- okay and that resulted in a hole (exactly the shape of the joss stick) in my right eyebrow. a picture of my burnt eyebrow -.-

during R&R day i was smart enough to grab an eye brow pencil that cost 30 rupees hahahaha.. but i was not so smart because i lost it in a day. ultimate suayness. and so i lived with a hole in my eyebrow for the next few days.. until 1 day when i found it squashed underneath my pile of titbits...

okay enough of embarrasing incidents.

i think this trip was more emotional for me. okay actually i think the last one too. i just took out my diary of the trip in 06. i realized how much difference it caused in me and how much i grew from that trip after reading it 2 years down the road, especially after i have returned from the trip now.

On 11/10/06, i wrote:

if i could, i would want to stay in India with my family

if i could, i would want to have the ability to bring love to everyone

if i could, i would want to alleviate all sufferings on Earth

if i could, i would want everyone to have mercy on insects

if i could, i would want the kids in Hope Home to feel the love and joy brought by us

if i could, i would want everyone who is fortunate to cherish and appreciate their lives and not complain

if i could, i would want the whole world to experience happiness.

on 10/11/06, i wrote:

i wonder why there can be such different worlds in a place called Earth

i wonder why people who are so fortunate do not appreciate their lives enough

i wonder why the children in kolkata can be so lovable, matured and sensible

i wonder why i can get such happiness just by seeing the smiles of the children

i wonder why i am so fortunate.

----

i think the emotions then were so strong, so overwhelming because it was the first time i was faced with such a situation before.

this time round i tried to cherish every moment i had with the kids, because i knew how fast 14 days would past, and very soon i'd have to say goodbye. when i first saw sarban, he smiled very sweetly at me, and i knew he still remembers me. i dont know how to put it across, but somehow we share a special bond. 2 years ago, he was known as the infamous sarban who was hyperactive and gives everyone a headache. somehow, when he was giving everyone else headaches and troubles, he just listened to me. he gave me a flower he plucked outside his house for my birthday and he wrote me alot of cards and letters last year. this time round when i saw him during his lesson break on day3, he looked so shy, reserved and he didnt talk much to me.. at night i went back, and i wrote in my diary that the sarban i used to know seems to be gone and he has matured and toned down so much in a matter of 2years. he doesnt come up to me and cuddle, sajiao to me like he used to anymore. but over the next few days, especially on the 14th, which was India's childrens' day, he opened up more and i was so glad to see the other side of him. 14th was just great. we got a few hours of playtime with the kids. sarban sat beside me as i was talking to the other boys. and then he just started cuddling me like how he used to..

sarban and i! :D i love this photo :)))

with ranjit and rohit :D they're still as cute :)

i think there were many times this trip that sarban almost made me tear with the things he said. 1 day during his lesson break, he passed me a bread that was meant for him. i told him i have already eaten breakfast and that i should not be taking his food. and then he said, "this year i cannot give you anything, not even a card on your birthday. this is the only thing i can give you, can you please take it? please, please..." if i didnt control myself i think i would be left there crying. it was how much i mattered to him and how sad he was that he cannot give me anything this year, that even giving a slice of bread to me would make him contented already.

and during tuition one day, he took out the handkerchief i gave.. which had a heart shape on it. and he said, "i cannot write it down, but in my mind, (as he points to the space at the left side of the heart), i always picture, niang (as he points to the heart now) <3>

on the 2nd last day after cultural performance during dinner, he told me that his best friend is Rana (Gideon). and so i asked him if he wanted to sit with Rana for dinner. and he said, "I can sit with Rana everyday, but i can only sit with you for the last time today..." that instant my heart just tensed up, and it was almost aching. i just patted his head, i didnt know what to say.

he told me he wouldnt be able to sleep well after i'm gone. he is really a 傻孩子.. i remember once during playtime, i went over to the girls' dorm to play. and until half an hour later, ms teng told us half of us could go over to the boys' side to play too. but at that time i was talking to rebecca and i couldnt just leave her like that and so i didnt manage to go over to the boys' side. during dinner, val told me that sarban was waiting at the door even after everyone had gone in already, like he was still expecting someone. and he just sat at a corner, emo-ing the entire time because i didnt go. that night i just felt so horrible. i hate to see their disappointed faces. philip told me that sarban cried during lunch after playtime during childrens' day because we left. ah i cant really imagine how he is feeling right now. please sleep well sarban, i want you to be happy.

and i'm getting all teary typing this shucks. the last day was just... i started crying as soon as i saw him. i was telling him not to be sad because i would feel sad if he is sad. so if he wants me to be happy, he should stop feeling sad. and as i was telling him, tears just kept flowing down uncontrollably. i really didnt want to cry. it was so ironic. he went to a corner, and he started to cry too. my heart was really aching as i wiped off his tears. it really felt like i was losing a loved one forever. because they cant write back to us, and we wont ever know if our letters have reached them.. and after we say our final goodbye, we wont be able to hear from each other anymore, unless i visit kolkata in a few years time again.

the day we bade goodbye

i think there were a few photos where my nose and eyes were all red and puffy already. hahah im not posting them up here. blogger's taking so long to load my photos. i'll put the facebook link up when im done with it.

i miss the genuine laughters and smiles of the kids. this time round it was really heart-wrenching to see the kids being so tensed up and afraid infront of aunt su and dev. the only time i rmb them playing their hearts out was on childrens' day. other than that, they were so cautious about every single thing they do as everything was under the tight scrutiny of the 2 adults. even talking seemed to be a problem. i didnt understand why they couldnt be free to play and talk to us freely on the 2nd last day during dinner. when the adults looked, they would immediately stop talking and be all tensed up. and i was living in fear too, fearing everything i do would get the kids punished. i havent lived in such fear for so long, and that was just 14 days. when i talked to the kids, i had to scan around first. because of how easily the kids get punished(the reasons for their punishements are more than we can imagine), i couldnt measure or know whatever i do would get them into trouble or not. and hence i always had to be on the guard even if it means popping by the home and talking to the boys for a few minutes during their playtime. i hate to imagine that was the feeling the kids have to bear everyday. it's the lesser of the 2 evils. this would ensure them of a good education, and a life where basic needs would be met. but i just hope they are happy.

therefore this trip was emotional in a sense i always felt so guilty if i knew it was our presence that made them get extra punishments for things like talking to us during tea break etc. things have indeed changed so much. i remember how much mroe carefree it was 2 years ago. we played till the cows came home. we ran around playing catching, the kids were all soooo happy. now i see their afraid faces more than the happy ones.

i got to meet up with roshan when i went to aog this time round. a pity we didnt manage to take a photo. i went in for home econs lesson only to realize that the teacher was the one that hosted me in her house 2 years ago! and she recognized me! the adventure 2 years ago is simply unforgettable.

i have a sock puppet and an origami cow from sarban, and a christmas tree drawn by joel. :)

i enjoyed teaching alot. i taught grade 1 on project day 1. the kids in grade 1 are soooooo adorable! i feel so proud of ranjit and rohit :) i rmb how they were 2 lost and blur brothers 2 years ago who couldnt understand english at all and we had to ge translators when talking to them. and now they are the big brothers of the class, acting as our translators, being the by default class monitors, helping us to keep the class quiet and getting the kids to settle down. grade 4 was good as well, just a pity that half the class couldnt attend the the 2nd half our lessons after the break because they didnt do well for their test in the morning and were made to do self studying.

i would have wanted a more comprehensive post..but i think my inability to use blogger properly is stopping me to do so. everytime i upload a photo it appears at the top of the post and i will take ages to drag it down to the place i want it. and then the alignment of the entire post screws up and yadah yadah. so i'll just stop here before i get really annoyed by this...

i'll continue to post photos on facebook now. talking about facebook, i hope joseph can really find me on facebook one fine day a few years down the road, and we'll hold on to our little promise. :)

2008-11-22T23:50:00.003+08:00

talking about coming back in 1 piece, maybe this does not stand anymore if i'm gonna take into account of a burnt hole in my eyebrow -.-

2008-11-22T23:39:00.002+08:00

hello world, i'm back :)

in 1 full piece.

i'm truly blessed that my greatest fear didnt come true, and i survived India without much health problems. then again i realized that my body didnt seem to pose as many problems as it did in Singapore. hahah probably i should just live in India.

i'm not in the right state to post things now.. i'll do so tmr probably. i'm missing the kids already.

2008-10-31T19:51:00.001+08:00

say bye bye to PW!!! :D

india is coming in 8 days :) i can't wait to see the Hope Home kids; hope they still remember me. gonna start packing my luggage now before fac outing kicks in. i'm just hoping doxycycline wont kill me as much as how mefluoquine did. seems like we arent going AOG this time round. it's been 2 years and it's just unbelievably fast. i rmb how ruiqi and i abandoned dory with roshan and all. and now that we think back about it, wee just count ourselves lucky that roshan's a good man or we can just die of guilt. man we were damn stupid.

i rmb how warm the AOG students were towards us. it's simply overwhelming. everyone crowded around us once we stepped into the class, and shook hands with us one by one. and now everytime we have a student on attachment programme in our class, i cant help but to feel very guilty for the lack of warmth we're showing these students! i think its a culture thing here? hmm okay.

KOLKATA :))))))))

2008-10-14T22:20:00.002+08:00

i think misunderstandings really suck, especially so, when you are in the know of what has occurred, yet not given the chance to explain yourself and make yourself clear and having to live with it. i'm sorry if i sound overly emotional or anything but i think it has been hanging there for a year already, not in the sense that i have been affected, terribly upset for a year, but i know somewhere down there in my heart, it still remains as a knot untied. so once in a while, when i wander into that corner of my heart, i feel a little thug right there. i'm disillusioned with how people tend to ignore the truth and value of something/somebody just based on rumours/hear-say, without hearing from the person and continue to judge him/her in that light formed from their own perception. people always say..so what if the whole world misunderstands. but what hurts the most is when a close friend whom you thought knew you well, whom you shared secrets with, turned his/her back against you in one day, without giving you a chance to explain. i have always asked myself if it'd be good if i could explain myself in a mail or letter, but i'm always afraid that they'd read too much into it and create even more misunderstandings, and i dont need anymore of that.

and who are we to judge what is the truth, and what is not? i think we never never never know the truth. so what's a deception and what's not? i'm just disappointed how people never gave others a chance, just a chance to find out a more complete picture from a different point of view. i know things will never be the same, but i wish for a day i could untie the knot. just a chance to explain. instead of being judged upon when i really really really never meant it that way. i dont even know how things got out of proportions to such extent that we could become complete strangers over a day. and if you're reading this, i just hope and wish i could be given a chance to explain myself. please, will you? i wouldnt try explaining to others, because it doesnt matter if they misunderstand me. but this bothers me so much, because i still do treasure our friendship alot, and we have had alot of special memories, so much so, i get so affected by what you think and feel about me.
-----

okay, enough about that.. on the bright note, i get to attend fac outing in NOV!!!! :DDDD it's on 7nov and i'm leaving on the 8th. a bit of rush but its cool anyway :) i just had 3 jabs. hep A, influenza and typhoid jabs. which amounted to 100dollars.... :/

i'm watching 3 movies in a week! watched MAMA MIA with the class today. okay 1/3 of the class to be precise. the songs were great but not the plot though. and i'm watching CONNECTED with my sis tmr since i promised her even before promos.. so..

i think it's time to touch my dusty guzheng which has been deserted by me since a month or so ago. my mum's reading this book titled 'SECRET'. it talks about the law of attraction and how we can control our thought processes to attract the 'good' things we want to. it acts as a self-assurance for my fantasies of a happy family and blissful marriage and that sort of things that i usually think about. i always thought that it'd actually be bad for me to picture such beautiful futuric scenes, and setting my hopes so high will only lead to greater disappointment lest it doesnt happen. but after skimping through the few pages, i think i should continue to hope and pray for the best and so i will attract such 'good' things to befall upon me! :D

now that it's after promos, it's time to spend my time with my grandma as i promised her. i think it must have been very upsetting for her all these while to cook everyday, yet waiting in vain for her sons and daughters to come back to eat. outside food may be definitely more appealing than ahma's, but definitely not satisfying such appeal at the expense of her heartache. i think i have mentioned about my ahma in my posts these recent years. i remembered how hard i cried over 'THE WAY HOME' which talks about the relationship between a boy and his grandmother, because it just got me reminded of my ahma. and the subsequent days i began crying while bathing because of overwhelming fear of losing my ahma. i dont do that anymore, but i have learnt to channel such emotions into action, to show my care for her before everything's too late.

the dream about a friend dying a few days ago got me so affected because the feeling was so real. probably because i have experienced how THAT felt exactly before, and when something so similar strikes again, it is coupled with the current agony together with the one of the past that made the dream so traumatizing. as funny and ridiculous the dream might sound, deep down, i was really really affected because i felt so so terrible during the dream. it was a sort of feeling i never wanted to experience again ever since i told myself to get over it. very very fortunately, it was only a dream. i cant believe if it was real. seriously.

okay i think this post is getting quite long already. and its time for me to sleep early. i will make sure i'm in top form when i depart on the 8th!

2008-10-12T22:31:00.005+08:00

I WANT THE PHOTOS WITH THE CUTE KOREAN KIDS!

Yesterday was quite a blast, despite the really lousy movie, which was full of vulgarities and all sorts of dirty things grahh. it's funny how i TSK-ed everytime that guy said the f word and after 5minutes he said so much of it i gave up tsk-ing hahahah. 10bucks gone :( and i cant believe the movie just ended THERE LIKE THAT. okay forget about the movie.

I really really had a lot of fun during the BBQ session! One of the craziest gatherings so far..hmm check out boonyang's facebook -.- fc people are a crazy bunch. On one hand there was a camwhore group who just couldnt resist the temptation of by's mac and took photos for up to an hour, and another weird gang doing experiements with fire. I got quite tired of taking photos and ended up staring at the weird gang burning things. Of course the most memorable part being playing with the korean kids! It reminds me of the childcare kids... and i really misssssss them.
Fortunately i still have a few small cute cousins around or i'll really be super deprived and i think i will lose control when i see kids on the road haha.

JOY, HAPPINESS, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I have been slacking so much i cant get used to it. watching hk dramas and trying hard to improve on my cantonese day by day :P ignoring pw totally. and now, using cheryl's term..guilt is swallowing me bit by bit. hmm i hope my cornea turns our all right please please let it be all right. eye surgery sounds freaky enough already.

shall visit ttsh for jabs tmr. and i quite like having jabs i dont know why. it's the self-satisfaction deriving from seeing the needle poke into your skin and you realize you are not the last freaked out at all and you just gloat to yourself hahaahah okay im damn weird.

2008-10-11T10:19:00.003+08:00

because i have not posted for so long, i have lost the momentum to do so!

anyway the past week was really cool. and then thinking about it, i have been seeing fc people for EVERY SINGLE DAY and including today too! but i love hanging out with them and they're really really a funny bunch of people. monday's crapping session at island creamery was great...and memorable :) tuesday and wednesday were great too because aran is such an entertainment when it comes to dancing :P i had fun doing my work on thursday and friday, especially thursday! haha never knew ushering could be so fun. i was standing at the gate and this uncle stopped by the gate and started talking to jiamin and i. and he was telling us about his family history, how everyone of them went to nanyang and hwachong. how his daughter and daughter-in-law were both from hc etc haha its pretty cool. friday's job was fun becuase i didnt hav to stand much so my backbone can take a rest. i have always loved the feeling of working together with one dream, one goal to achieve one thing. i think its these small little events that make me feel even more enriched and fulfilling. everytime we do a ARES WHOOOOSH, it feels like everyone is together as one and the feeling of embarking on a new task as one, or that we have accomplished a small little step as one. i love hanging out with enthusiastic people! when i was in pri school, i was always saddened by sports meet because nobody around me seems to be cheering. in ny, i had quite an enthu bunch of friends who would be craszy and enthusiastic with me :)

i think it has been millionth time since i started feeling disappointed with the level of enthusiasm of my class. and i always think about the bbq session we had in march..it gave me very special memories and i really hope we can have another class outing with that much attendance and fun. life is not easy all the time. and this is the challenge that i need to overcome right here. however the outcome may be, at least i tried :)

health has been :/ reflux is not fun at all. the feeling of vomitting is just horrible. last week, i realized that i gained 5 kg in two weeks. during promos period.last year when i was stressed, i lost my appetite and lost 5kg. now it's the reverse. haha but actually i wasnt really stressed up for promos or maybe it was just subconscious. with my current eating habits now, lets see how much my weight fluctuates in a month. i just..cant seem to eat because the gastric wind feels up my entire stomach and the food just cant go in? and 3 hours later i will be sooooooo hungry because i havent eaten for a long time. and after i eat i get extremely scared because i may experience that feeling of wanting- to- vomit- but- you -cant. jiayou ba gastric. i havent been eating things that i shouldnt, so its your turn to be nice to me now okay. lets be friends!!! and its a mutual benefit thing :D

2008-09-02T10:53:00.002+08:00

HA it really has been eons since i last posted.
september hols now..20 over more days to promos. havent started revising. pretty freaked out.
will revise after i post this. will.

teachers' day was just over and i went back to ny with lishian and the rest. met up with 409 teachers and i really miss them. alot. met up with eighters, and suddenly being in sec2 seemed such a long time ago. haha those were the times..not alot of worry and stress.. laughing with eighters every single day in school. being in my crazy self, just laughing our hearts out everyday. :)

and then i realized how much more sedate i am now compared to how i was a few years ago. though i still have my slightly uncontrollable moments infront of van and lydia (actually i dont know why i only show that side of me infront of you two, seriously), most of the time, i realize i'm just feeling...oh-like-that-lor.. no crazy moments that i used to have. i think if i were to type out all the crazy stuff i did in ny, i wouldnt be able to finish typing! haha just a few memorable ones... how i could laugh till my stomach hurt so much i couldnt stand up, so i ended up squatting on the floor laughing in pain, how i kicked ruiqi so hard that her scar is still visible now, how i went down to the canteen with scotchtapes pasted at the back of my uniform saying weird things, how ruiqi would piggyback me and swing me in the air and we would end up both falling down. i think that's probably a certain phase in your life, and after you've grown out of that phase, that's it. i can't imagine myself being so crazy right now haha. don't know if that's good or bad.. i'm fine being what i am now though :)

my legs died ytd after 5hours of walking. okay cant reveal too much here in case i spoil the fun. and i think my flu is back. not even sure if i even recovered from it already. and i hope i dont pass it to lydia or she'd kill me. sorry girl for making you wait for so long! haha i hope i compensated with that 2 hours of teaching haha. get A for IH okay! and this girl here took photos of my very unglam sides. haha thinking about ytd it was really pretty funny. when i was walking home with her my legs really were about to give way already. so haha i was whining and all. once i reached home i just sat down at the floor and i couldnt even walk. so i pushed myself into the room with my butt on the ground and that sadistic girl was laughing at me the whole time. at least now that acute pain in my knee is gone after the whole night of rest. i woke up 2 times in the middle of the night cos of how painful it was! i hope i get my in-soles soon! think that would make my situation better.

okay i think it's time i really get started. revise revise revise.

2008-07-16T17:28:00.002+08:00

I'm finally posting again. :)
This week has been great. Body is in good condition, though cant be compared to normal healthy kids out there but at least when measured in terms of my own standards, i would say I'm feeling good and healthy. And also..mental satisfaction :))))) Joy and happiness derived from others' happiness are really overwhelming emotions! I'm overjoyed because I made Char cry. Haha no dont get me wrong. I'm overjoyed because I managed to spring such a pleasant surprise on Char together with Van and making her day with the superrrrrrrrr sweet birthday present that Van and I worked on :D

And when i was working on Char's present, I couldn't help but to think of the sweet presents girl friends have always prepared for one another. I remembered shopping for a really long time in this shopping mall for Ruiqi's jigsaw puzzle, and having to form the jigsaw so discreetly after school hoping that girl wouldn't find out about it, tricking her into believing that we gave her newspaper for birthday, and the most classic experience of tricking her that there was dance practice on her birthday when Dor and I were waiting for her at her void deck with a birthday cake. Then there was Pui's birthday which Jac, Ruiqi and I spent quite a bit of time making the scrapebook. And my famous '驾军翔’came about and until now i still get teased by Jac >< On Jac's birthday, Ruiqi came over to my house and we baked a huge cookie with the size of a cake for her that had a bikini design! Afterall that was the first thing that came to our mind when we thought of Jac. I think I'll never forget those moments :D

I'm overjoyed because I have seen a significant improvement in my tutee. Tution in the past few months were almost a waste of time because he would only bring his textbook along and nothing else. Every session he would slack off, hoping the session to end from the time it started. And for me I couldnt feel any sense of achievement or accomplishment from teaching him because I dont think whatever I said got into his head. So last Tuesday I had a good talk with him for 1hour.. about my expectations and what he wanted to get out of his life and if he wanted to continue spending 4 afternoons per week just stoning and wasting away his life second by second. I think he got my meaning and yesterday's tuition was really satisfying. 铁棒磨成针！

OH MY PASSION FOR CSC HAS BEEN RE-IGNITED AGAIN AFTER IT DIED FOR THE PAST TERM. I went to look for wanglaoshi today regarding some CIP on Saturday and ended up asking him about the block test question. He spent more than an hour explaining answering techniques to Cheryl and I and by the time we walked out of the staffroom, Cheryl and I were practically gushing over how great a teacher he is! LOVE HIS PATIENCE AND EXPLANATION SERIOUSLY. Hardly do you get such a patient teacher and one who can explain things so clearly and in-depth. My mum loves him too hahaha. Cheryl was so funny. "Guilt is biting me mouth by mouth! I'm enveloped by guilt!! I won't ever sleeep in wanglaoshi's lectures anymore!!!!!!" Haha Cheryl, keep to your words ah!

K gotta leave to see the physician. Bye world :)

2008-07-06T23:49:00.002+08:00

hello world i'm back

almost 1month since i last posted! cant seem to find my motivation to type things here. pure lazy.

super lag but i find colbie caillat songs super therapeutic. being the noob i am. i never discovered her songs until van sent me 'oxygen' at the start of the year and i fell in love with that song! i sent my com to my cousin for repair and it came back with CSI series and some random songs he added. and there it was! the entire cd collection of colbie caillat! i love her songssss :D have been listening to 'lucky'! it's so sweet :)

i have been finding time to do things i love for the past month and i truly love myself for that. :) i have been going back to 大同 for lessons and doing 描红dilligently. i hope i continue to do so even in the upcoming hectic term.

i made a selfish decision by deciding to sign up for kolkata cip at the end of this year. i'm 'fulfilling my dream' at the expense of making my parents and friends worried about me. i do feel bad. but i know, once i have made a decision, no regrets. no no.

i count myself very very blessed to have so many friends around me who care about me, and friends whom i can readily turn to when i have any problems. or just to hear me whine sometimes.

oh man i have seriously lost my ability to write. i dont feel the motivation to carry on typing anymore!! >< okay so bye world. :)